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Convicts Given Choice: Life in Prison or Take Government Spokesman Job

After failing to attract any applicants for their £100,000 per year press spokesman position, the government have announced they will be offering the role to convicted felons as an alternative to life in prison and bottom rape. So far, all convicts approached have chosen bottom rape. Boris Johnson (the worst Prime Minister of all time) […]

Matt Hancock Socially Distances Himself From His Brain

Matt Hancock appeared on BBC Breakfast this morning to announce that he has decided to social distance himself from his own brain. Evidence of the decision was revealed when Hancock declared that two households within Greater Manchester – which is now designated as a high risk area – could not meet each other, but that […]

As Russia Report Pends, Press Remind Comrades that today is Jack Charlton’s Funeral

The long awaited, but almost certainly not very significant, Russia Report, which has been understandably collecting dust in a Westminster filing cabinet for two years on account of not being very interesting and really, altogether, rather a dull read, has finally been released. The report, which was heavily redacted by the Intelligence and Security Committee, […]

Argument on Facebook Changes Someone’s Mind For First Time Since 2006

An argument on social media giant Facebook, which was launched in 2006, has finally achieved the impossible and changed a person’s mind. The argument between Wayne Brannan and Karen Cox over facemasks resulted in Brannan saying that he now thought facemasks were a good idea. Brannan went on to admit that Cox had ‘won’ the […]

UK Press Say Feeling Bloated, Leaving Toilet Seat up and Aids all Corbyn’s Fault

The UK press today attempted to divert attention away from the government’s failed plan to plant a stooge on the Intelligence and Security Committee – thus preventing the dreaded ‘Russia Report’ from being released to the public – by blaming everything on Jeremy Corbyn. Corbyn was accused of being responsible for bad hair days, yapping […]

Priti Patel Launches ‘Face Smirks’ – Accused of Cashing in on Crisis

The Birtish Home Secretary, Priti Patel has launched her own range of coronavirus facemasks, labelled ‘Face Smirks’, prompting some critics to accuse her of cashing in on the crisis. The masks, which show Priti’s trademark smirk, are being sold online at £250 per unit +P&P and are described as the ‘chic alternative to what the […]

Comrade Boris Shits Pants as Russia Report Slips Through His Fingers

British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, and his team of wannabe dictators were this week in a state of meltdown after they failed spectacularly to position a stooge at the head of a committee which will be in charge of releasing the controversial ‘Russia Report’. The report, which the Tories have been sitting on since before […]

Bane Wears Mask to Rob Bank, Gets Commended For ‘Social Responsibility’

Batman’s arch-enemy, Bane, has been commended by thousands on Twitter for attempting to execute the world’s most audacious bank robbery in a socially responsible way by wearing a face covering. Bane, who slaughtered twenty innocent bystanders and six guards during the robbery on Monday, blew up three high-security vaults then demolished the building as he […]

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