UK Press Say Feeling Bloated, Leaving Toilet Seat up and Aids all Corbyn’s Fault

The UK press today attempted to divert attention away from the government’s failed plan to plant a stooge on the Intelligence and Security Committee – thus preventing the dreaded ‘Russia Report’ from being released to the public – by blaming everything on Jeremy Corbyn.

Corbyn was accused of being responsible for bad hair days, yapping dogs, men who leave the toilet seat up, humblebragging on Facebook and people in London who stand on the wrong side of the escalator.

The most evil man in the universe – Jeremy Corbyn arrogantly existing as Sun reporters ask him reasonable and friendly questions about being a traitor earlier

Right Wing press outlets, such as The Sun, the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Mail descended on Jeremy Corbyn with all the subtlety of a kick in the gonads as their political masters in Westminster demanded distractions from the likelihood that the ISC will release the Russia Report and implicate them (and probably the right wing press) in treasonous acts.

The newspapers immediately pointed at Corbyn’s use of leaked documents to undermine confidence in the Conservative party during last year’s 2019 general election, accusing him of using Russian interference to score political points.

Then went on to blame Corbyn for people who park across two spaces in the car park, finding the toilet paper has run out when you’ve just had a messy shit and rom-coms starring Colin Firth.

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The news comes after ‘failing’ Chris Grayling failed to get the role of Chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee, a role for which he was nominated. MP Julian Lewis swooped in at the last minute to win the position with a vote of 5 to 4 in his favour.

Lewis was immediately stripped of the whip – effectively meaning he will now stand as an independent in the next election.

Corbyn, who is no longer the leader of the Labour party but remains the go-to target for a British press stuck a rut from which they seem incapable of clawing their way out, was hounded by reporters from right wing tabloids today as he rode his bicycle home from work.

Accusing him of starting the Aids epidemic in the 80s, attempting to assassinate Nelson Mandela and kicking small kittens for fun, the reporters demanded Corbyn provide them with a quote regarding his use of the ‘dodgy dossier’ leaks in 2019.

A number of articles denouncing Corbyn as a traitor to the country and a communist complicit in a make-believe Russian agenda to install socialist reform in the UK, are expected to fill newspapers tomorrow.

Meanwhile, people who sniff loudly, pick their feet while watching TV, take up both armrests on a plane, eat with their mouths open and fly through red lights on their bikes are expected to be blamed on Corbyn’s inability to stop them doing any of that.

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Justin Crane, a self-professed football hooligan who, because of Corbyn, types in all caps when he posts comments online, insists on making every conversation about him, jumps queues at the fish and chip shop and starts most of his sentences with “I’m not being funny but…” said today:

“I was walking in town and saw a busker entertaining the public. I immediately kicked him in the face then defecated in his upside down hat full of change. At any time Corbyn could have jumped in and stopped me, but he didn’t. I think that tells you everything you need to know. Corbyn is a coward, a communist Marxist traitor and a hate crime.”

Justin Crane – Corbyn failed to stop Crane from being a member of a far right racist group

Karen Bigglesworth, a 29 year old ‘beauty and nails technician’ from Torquay who, because of Corbyn, runs 30 minutes late for everything, posts regular Facebook updates about being a vegan, listens to music loudly on the bus, lets her children run riot in restaurants and talks loudly in the cinema, said:

“My boyfriend and me were watching a movie, but I wasn’t really paying attention because I was busy videoing myself for a Tik Tok post. So I had to ask him every five minutes what was happening in the movie, who characters were, why they were doing what they were doing and so on.”

Karen Bigglesworth who farts in elevators because of Corbyn

“Understandably, this really annoyed my boyfriend and he became very frustrated. All I will say is that at no point did Jeremy Corbyn come over and tell me to give my head a wobble. Not once. It’s typical of the former leader of the Labour party, to be honest, and what my boyfriend and me have come to expect. I hope he’s happy that me and my boyfriend had a big falling out afterward.”

John Burns, a retired accountant from Sussex, said, “I drove to Cornwall and got stuck behind a tractor for 15 minutes. As I passed the tractor I glanced across and the farmer driving had a white beard and looked elderly. I’m not saying it was Corbyn, but I think it’s a little bit too convenient that he looked like Corbyn. Corbyn is into his gardening isn’t he? I bet it was him. What a bastard.”

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