Three space missions will be launched in the next three weeks from three separate countries, including America, China and the United Arab Emirates (UAE). Each country has chosen July as their launch date because Mars and the Earth will be in an optimal position for orbital trajectories.
In this top ten, we offer some gentle suggestions for people to dump on board those three flights, bearing in mind the trip will be one way.
10 – Boris Johnson
The man, the myth, the monkey-brained moron. Boris Johnson blithely presided over a disastrous coronavirus response while distracting the public with lies, bluster, comedy and impregnation.
The quintessential Etonian cockwomble, Johnson somehow managed to go from Have I Got News For You stooge and easy target for Ian Hislop’s piss takes, to the most primordial Prime Minister in British history.
If not for the lost lives of 60,000 coronavirus victims, the whole thing might be amusing. But Johnson’s ineptitudes have directly affected the lives of almost everyone in this country and some will never recover.
This terminal case needs to Brexit the fuck off our planet and never come back. Bon voyage Monsieur Johnson and don’t worry, we’ll make sure the spaceship delivering you is properly painted with a Union Jack.
9 – Dominic Cummings
Pretentious balloon-headed munchkin Dominic ‘I mug grannies for lols’ Cummings has been described as Rasputin to Johnson’s Emperor Nicholas II.
Cummings famously travelled 250 miles to Durham while infected with the Rona, in order to palm his kids off on his vulnerable elderly parents before heading off to a local castle to ‘test his eyesight’, making him an ideal candidate for an oxygen-deprivation/sub-zero temperature demise on the red planet.
While people not privileged enough to be Dominic Cummings were forced to die alone and while countless others endured the isolation, loneliness and misery of house arrest, Cummings did whatever the testicles he wanted and stuck two fingers up to everyone while he did it.
So your one way ticket to the 4th rock from the sun awaits, Mister Cummings. Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty for you to relate to on Mars – we hear it’s also devoid of humanity and entirely without charm.
8 – Donald Trump
Bizarre American man-child, Donald Trump, was once a living parody of his own bloated wealth and indifference to the common man. Somehow, he became President.
As a result of this absurdness, America increasingly resembles an episode of Beavis and Butthead.
Whether it’s his dumbing down of… well… everything, his propensity to demolish global economic stability whenever he opens his big fat mouth or his insufferably orange head and ridiculous comb-over, most sane and intelligent Earthlings would agree that Trump needs to be on at least one of those spaceships if not all three.
7 – Matt Hancock
Matt Hancock, whose job title (secretary of state for health and social care) is possibly the biggest misnomer in the history of misnomers, is a name now synonymous with ineptitude.
From PPE shortages to a ‘world beating’ track and trace app that doesn’t work, Hancock routinely farts on, fluffs up and FUBARs everything he touches before weasling his way out of blame at every turn.
The only thing more outrageous than Matt Hancock is the fact that he isn’t actually a dumb teenager wearing his dad’s suit but a bone fide adult. Truth is stranger than fiction indeed.
So it’s one giant leap for Matt Hancock and one small sigh of relief for the rest of us as he blasts off in a cloud of his own bullshit aboard the Mars express.
6 – Priti Patel
All Bond super-villains should go into space at some point in their lives. We think it best that Priti Patel, the current British home secretary, doesn’t calculate her own trajectory to Mars, however, as she could wind up in another galaxy.
Patel – who was once sacked for treason (yes, treason) – has wormed her way back into power to implement some of the most draconian policies of any right wing government, including persecution of immigrants and calls to ban same sex marriage and bring back capital punishment.
So, off you pop Mrs Patel, and don’t send a postcard. Mars is cold, ruthless and inhospitable so you should feel perfectly at home there.
5 – Kanye West
Narcissistic ‘musician’ Kanye West has long been a walking joke but more recently the joke has taken a sinister turn. West, whose wife is brain-dead Kim Kardashian, has decided to run for the 2020 Presidency, raising the hideous spectre of an American administration even dumber than Trump.
West has famously said ‘I don’t listen to rap in my apartment because my apartment is too nice’ and claims that his biggest regret in life is not being able to watch his own live show. Proudly anti-books (yes, apparently that’s a thing), West also told his adoring public that if he said he wasn’t a genius he’d be lying and that he considers himself to be the most influential human alive.
If the prospect of a man demonstrably dumber than Donald Trump presiding over the most powerful country on Earth doesn’t send shivers of horror down your spine, remember that Kanye West said (actually said) that he doesn’t like being next to a bottle of water because he feels the responsibility is too much to handle.
This ego with a face needs to get his lunatic ass on a Martian flight before it’s too late and we find ourselves living with a President so bad we’ll be sending a rescue mission to bring Trump back.
4 – Paul Golding/Tommy Robinson
A two for one one-way-ticket here as we’re going to shove Paul Golding (far-right activist and leader of Britain First) and Tommy Robinson (far-right activist and general racist knob-check) into the same space craft. It’ll be cramped, but as both individuals are closet homosexuals who use their fists to cover the fact that they just want to be loved (by men in tight leather trousers) we feel we’re doing them a favour.
We’ll be sending them with a St George flag so they can claim whatever patch of barren ground they land on as part of ‘Inger-lund’. They’ve always been fans of the Empire, so this will be their chance to start a new colony.
Have fun on Mars chaps. There are no muslims or black people up there, so it should be your idea of paradise. Granted, there’s no oxygen either, but hey-ho.
3 – People Who Write Your instead of You’re
We’re hoping one of those Mars craft is pretty spacious (no pun intended) because this one covers quite a few people in one.
We would also petition for people who write ‘their’ when they mean ‘there’ and people who insist on beginning every word with a capital letter also squeeze themselves onto that spaceship.
No doubt the journey will be rough and the landing terminal, but at least they’ll have something to moan about as they Tweet “theirs no way we our surviving this won!”
2 – Tim Martin (Wetherspoons)
Tiny faced Tim Martin, the owner of Wetherspoons, needs to go to Mars if only because he hasn’t opened any Wetherspoons there yet.
We’re nominating this numpty for his dreadful treatment of Wetherspoons staff before, during and after the coronavirus crisis, but mostly during when he refused to pay his workers and encouraged them instead to get part-time jobs.
If at all possible we’d also like to cram a few Wetherspoons pubs onto the interplanetary craft, though this might be a stretch as we have 900 branches in mind.
1 – Rupert Murdoch
There are so many villains responsible for pushing forward the Brexit disaster, from Boris Johnson (already winging his way to Mars) to Aaron Banks, Nigel Farage, Dominic Cummings and David Cameron. But none have been so consistently influential or fallen out of the bastard tree and hit every branch on the way down in quite so consummate a way as Rupert Murdoch.
Thanks to Murdoch, a free UK press no longer exists. His brand of right wing capitalist propaganda whipped the British public into a frenzy in 2016 and saw them make one of the most catastrophic decisions this side of letting James Corden go on telly.
Then in 2019 his fervant nationalist press was directly responsible for turning public opinion against Jeremy Corbyn, labelling him a terrorist, communist and traitor to his own country – all unfounded claims.
The result is not only Brexit but another Tory administration, this time led by one of the most incompetent and farcical cabinets and Prime Minister in living memory. Both Brexit and Boris Johnson’s government have struck during the coronavirus crisis – a perfect storm for which the blame must fall, at least in part (and it’s a large part) on the complicit press machine run by Murdoch.
So off he goes to outer space, a region as vacuous and empty as the news printed in tomorrow’s fish and chips wrappers and the space between Murdoch’s ears.