Johnson Names ‘Turnip Shaped Like Thingy’ as Head of Inquiry into Russia Report

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has put forward two candidates for the head of the Intelligence and Security Committee – one is a funny shaped turnip which looks almost exactly the same as a ‘thingy’ and the other is Christopher Stephen Grayling.

Whoever wins the role will be in charge of determining whether the infamous Westminster ‘Russia Report’ – a paper which purportedly shows links between high ranking ministers (and even the Prime Minister himself) and Russian oligarchs, donors and lobbyists – should be revealed to the public and carefully scrutinised or locked in a cabinet in a basement with no stairs and a sign on the door saying ‘beware the leopard’.

Most MPs are currently said to be erring toward the turnip which looks almost exactly the same shape as a thingy, but some (including the Prime Minister himself) have raised concerns that the turnip might have enough integrity to release the document and are backing Grayling instead.

Political commentator Dave Halpin said, “Chris Grayling, famously known as ‘Failing’ Chris Grayling, has a proven track record as one of the most incompetent politicians in recent history, quite an achievement when you consider his own party leader is Boris ‘Has Anyone Seen my Fridge?’ Johnson.”

Boris Johnson – the second biggest plank in British politics

Marc Freeman of the political page No, Actually That’s Bollocks, offered his insights on the man and myth that is Chris Grayling, “an interesting tidbit of information, he was born on April Fool’s Day. I obviously won’t judge him on account of the fact he was ‘born’ but it sets the stage for his political life.”

Freeman went on to list a litany of previous, eye-watering failures, “Earlier this year, judges from the court of appeal overturned plans he drew up as transport secretary to build a third runway at Heathrow on the grounds that it was ‘unlawful’ and did not abide by the Paris Agreement on Climate Change.”

“In 2019, the Government had to renationalise the probation system after a five-year part-privatisation project ended in complete failure. It was written up by Chris Grayling.”

“When Grayling was transport secretary, he wrote up plans that culminated in a botched timetable for Thameslink and Northern Rail… He later blamed the problems on the fact that he wasn’t a specialist in rail matters, and washed his hands of all responsibility by saying he didn’t run the railways, even though it was literally his department’s job to do such. He later had to bail out the part-privatised East Coast rail franchise after it was losing money – at a cost of £2 Billion to the taxpayer.”

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“He banned families sending books to prisoners, a decision which was later deemed unlawful by the High Courts and cost the Government £72,000.”

“His plans to fine people for crimes they didn’t commit ended with fifty magistrates quitting in disgust at the scheme and was later overturned mere months after he left his job as justice secretary.”

“His plans to introduce employment tribunal fees were deemed unlawful by the High Court and he was forced to pay back £27 million to around 100,000 people.”

“He implemented cuts to legal aid that forced domestic violence victims to show evidence before getting a lawyer. The cuts were declared flawed by the Court of Appeal in 2016.”

“He also implemented cuts to legal aid for prisoners with mental health and learning disabilities in 2013 which were ruled ‘unlawful’ and ‘unfair’ by the Courts of Appeal, and were later overturned by the Government itself in 2018.”

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“He presided over a £200million contract to Carillion to run facilities management in prisons, even though the scheme was deemed unsustainable by the Conservatives themselves, and would ultimately end with them losing £15 million a year as a result.”

“When he was justice secretary, he handed a £6 million contract to Saudi Arabia to run ‘training needs analysis’ in prisons under the country’s brutal justice system. The deal was unceremoniously dropped in October 2015 after a Cabinet row over the nation’s chequered human rights record.”

“He dumped £23 million of taxpayer money into a brand new prison tracking scheme. When it was revealed that the company had no track record making wearable GPS and tracking devices, the contract was later thrown out.”

“In January 2015, data relating to three fatal police shootings were lost in the post by the Justice Department. The data included details of the Mark Duggan shooting, an incident that triggered the 2011 England riots.”

Chris Grayling – a mistake anyone could make

“And last but not least, no list of failures by Chris Grayling would be complete without his absolute clusterfuck of offering lucrative post-Brexit contracts to Seabourne Freight – a ferry company that didn’t actually have any ferries, and whose terms and conditions were allegedly copied from a takeaway website.”

The turnip that looks almost exactly the same shape as a thingy, meanwhile, has been instrumental in implementing a number of successful government programs, including the recent ‘Wearing Novelty Comedy Breasts at Great Booze Ups’ scheme which the Tories insist will incentivize drinkers to plough money into the brewery and novelty comedy breasts industries.

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Part of this article was brought to you by the No, Actually That’s Bollocks Facebook blog. So if you found this article side-splittingly funny, merely entertaining, only mildly amusing, utterly repulsive or the very epitome of everything that’s wrong with this country that’s going to the dogs and ain’t like it used to be not since all the lefty snowflakes took over and they closed Wetherspoons – then please have a visit and read of the NATB page.

If you are Dominic Cummings and came to this page by accident, please follow this link. If you, or anyone you know has been affected by Dominic Cummings there is now a form you can fill out to contact the Prime Minister directly and let him know about your experience. Please follow this link and feel free to go into long and excruciating detail.

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