Boris Blames Puppies, Little Old Ladies and Christmas for Coronavirus Failures

Boris Johnson, the British Prime Minister has released a list of things that are more to blame for his government’s enormous Coronavirus response FUBAR than his own government.

The list includes little old ladies who smile sweetly at you, puppies and funny videos of cats on the internet, Christmas presents, Hans Zimmer music and snuggling under a big warm quilt on a cold Sunday morning. The British press are being told to pick and choose from the list in the event of any future cock-ups to save the government thinking up a new patsy.

Johnson’s Frank Spencer-esque Tory government have mishandled the Coronavirus crisis at almost every turn, leading to countless unnecessary deaths, a country in the depths of potential economic ruin and the looming spectre of a second wave of infections. However, Johnson refuses to offer anything by way of an apology or even to show the tiniest degree of remorse.

The list also blames chocolate fondues, the Easter Bunny, the bit where Musafa gets killed in The Lion King, bacon sizzling in a pan and giving up a seat on the bus for a pregnant woman and/or old age pensioner as largely responsible for the Tories fucking up everything from day one.

Yesterday Johnson continued his government’s policy of lying, deflecting blame and getting away with murder by blaming care homes for 20,000 Coronavirus deaths during the UK epidemic.

A government spokesman said, “the Prime Minister’s comments were caused by opposition to climate change and the feel-good TV show, Cheers. You know, the one with Ted Danson. The media needs to get its facts straight and stop blaming Mister Johnson for every little thing Mister Johnson says or does, especially when he didn’t say or do it, which he didn’t.”

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Mark Adams, chief executive of Community Integrated Care which provides care to a range of people in England and Scotland, called Johnson “clumsy and cowardly” for arguing that many care homes did not follow proper procedures. He also accused the prime minister of rewriting history.

Today the government back-pedalled furiously as they tried to rewrite yesterday’s history by claiming Johnson’s comments were taken out of context when they clearly were not.

Matt Hancock, who was unable to enjoy a pint on Saturday on account of still being underage, said today:

“Our world beating Prime Minister wasn’t talking about care homes. He was talking about learning lessons. Any supposed problems with any of the policies we’ve implemented during this crisis (and there are none, of course) can be blamed on kissing pretty girls in the rain, sunbathing on a tropical beach and baby goats frolicking in fields.”

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