Prime Minister Boris Johnson recently took the brazen decision to stand up in front of the nation in PMQs and tell lie after lie after lie without, apparently, the slightest whiff of self-awareness.
His apparent ‘beyond-reproach’ stance and cavalier attitude to the truth have galvanised many other Tory MPs to stand up and be counted with their own impressive whoppers.
Here we list the top ten best, most outrageous and spectacular untruths retold by Tory MPs in their own words. Lock up your daughters and tell your granny to switch off her hearing aid because here come the Tories…
10 Matt Hancock Rubbed One Out in Parliament
Not so much a lie as a moment of immorality, Matt Hancock, current Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, described the moment he decided to have a cheeky one-handed-shandy-shake during a busy parliamentary session when he was still just a lowly back bench MP.
“The place was packed and the Prime Minister had just delivered a great speech on getting Brexit done so I was naturally feeling special in the downstairs department. I thought, heck, why not Matty? and flopped out my custard launcher for a swift session of pump the sausage.”
“Nobody noticed, but as I achieved happy-hour my man-goo flew in an impressive arc over the heads of front benchers and landed on the Deputy Speaker, John Bercow. Luckily he didn’t notice, but he spent the rest of the session with my spooge hanging off the end of his nose. I had a really hard time not giggling.”
9 Jacob Rees-Mogg Told Nanny He Didn’t Eat All the Sweets When He Did
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the inspiration behind Beano comic’s Walter the Softy, and Lord Snooty, is also a Conservative MP front bencher. He told us about the time he lied to Nanny and found out, to his detriment, that cheaters never prosper.
“I was running late for parliament and Nanny wanted to give me a bath then talc me down, but I really didn’t have the time. Nanny said she would be as quick as possible but I really was rather belligerent I’m afraid and in the end Nanny had to resort to offering me a sweetie to get me to comply.”
“Naturally the sweetie did the trick and before you know it I was up to my armpits in Matey’s bubble bath bubbles and playing with my Action Man submarine. Then I noticed Nanny had left the bag of sweeties on the stool next to the bath.”
“I’m sorry to say that I scoffed all of that delicious tuck and when Nanny came to pat me dry and put special cream on my bottom as per usual, she noticed the empty bag and asked me if I’d eaten all the sweets.”
“I lied and said I hadn’t. I told Nanny that the electorate had eaten the sweets while her back was turned. She believed me, but I felt jolly rotten for the rest of the day and had a thoroughly miserable time of it while trying to present my report on the benefits of modern slavery to the House of Commons.”
“The moral of the story is not to lie to Nanny because if you do the voices in your head will berate you all the live long day until you’re forced to go into the nearest public WC and give a stranger a tug job while singing Rule Britannia.”
8 Dominic Raab Lied on his Grindr Profile
Dominic Raab, the Secretary of State, revealed how he lied on his Grindr profile and said he’d been to Hawaii when he hadn’t been to Hawaii.
“It was a white lie,” Raab, who decided to use Grindr after failing to meet Mister Right at Eagle London Leather ‘n Whip nights, explained, “I said I was well travelled and that I’d been to Hawaii, but this dude asked me what part of Hawaii and I panicked and said Montego Bay, which apparently is in Jamaica. I was very embarrassed. Suffice to say I realised lying was a bad idea, so I also removed the bit where I boasted about having a 15 inch love truncheon.”
7 Michael Gove Lied About Being a Professional Bodybuilder
Michael Gove, Cabinet Minister and Queens Park Rangers fan, used to tell everybody that he was a former Mr Universe who’d ‘let himself go recently’.
“It was a silly lie, but I always felt that my superb physique was strong enough to get away with it. I was actually a contender for a while there and there was a time when I could bench press four times my own weight (20kg), but politics got in the way, forcing me to give up on my dream.
“Also, I met Arnold Schwarzenegger once.”
6 Priti Patel Used to be a Peeping Tom
Priti Patel, Home Secretary and amateur racist, confessed that she used to be a peeping Tom and would regularly climb drainpipes to sneak a look through bathroom and bedroom windows in the hope of seeing ‘chuffs, bums and skin flutes.’
“Back when I was Secretary to the Treasury I went through a bit of a phase of voyeurism and used to sit for hours in trees with a pair of binoculars hoping to see some fanny or pork swords going at it.”
“I was also into the dogging scene but I don’t do it anymore. I don’t really have the time now that I’m Home Secretary, but I do still keep my eyes open for pink cigars and furry tacos. You never do know when they might accidentally pop out. I spotted a tramp on the tube yesterday, for example, who exposed his inflated choad to everyone on the train. It’s moments like that that make me feel alive.”
5 Rishi Sunak Once Teabagged the Rt. Hon. Grant Shapps
Rishi Sunak, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, one time hedge fund manager and part of the irresponsible banking elite responsible for the financial collapse of the entire planet, once teabagged a drunk Grant Shapps at an Ilford party.
“Shapps was hammered on alcopops and Snowballs,” Sunak remembered with a wry grin, “and he’d passed out on someone’s couch at this wild party. I drew a pair of funny eyebrows on his face with a chunky marker, filled his mouth with glitter then rested my sweaty testicles on his forehead while someone took a photo.”
“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know that photo exists even to this day. It was very funny, but looking back I regret what I did and know I should really come clean about teabagging the Secretary of State for Transport. He told me recently his dentist still finds glitter when he checks his wisdom teeth.”
4 Gavin Williamson CBE is Actually Frank Spencer
Gavin Williamson, Secretary of State for Education, revealed that his real name is Frank Spencer and that he used to star in the comedy television series, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em.
Williamson said, “oooh. Hmmm. Well, you see, I used to be Frank Spencer, but I had a bit of trouble getting a job because a lot of people saw me on Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em and thought I was a bit accident prone. Hmmm. Ooooh. But it wasn’t my fault. My mother told me I was just a bit clumsy, that’s all. So I changed my name to Gavin Williamson CBE which sounded like someone you’d trust to go up a ladder and paint a chimney stack, or replace a big pane of glass in an office full of people.”
“It turned out that the name was so good they gave me a job in the Tory cabinet. Hmmm. Betty is very pleased, though she’s not keen on the hours. When the dog does a whoopsie on the stairs now, Betty has to clean it up. Hmmm. Oooh.”
“Also, I’ve had a bit of an accident at work once or twice. Hmm. I tripped over and grabbed the Deputy Speaker’s trousers to break my fall and his trousers came down. Oooh. And I was carrying a long plank of wood in parliament and kept turning one way then the other and every time I turned everyone ducked under the wood, but the last time they didn’t and I knocked everyone over. Hmmm.”
3 Robert Jenrick Moonlighted as a Porn Star When he was Secretary to the Treasury
Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Housing, told how he used to moonlight as an amateur porn star when he was Secretary to the Treasury under Theresa May.
“My porn star name was Rusty Havens and I was what you would term an adult entertainer who performed explicit sexual acts in front of the camera. I specialised in BDSM fat granny porn, golden shower orgies, pegging and FFM threesomes with ATM.”
“I starred in over three hundred and fifty movies, from Pork Sword of the Rings to Sausage Fest Gangbanger Grannies Do Prague III and very much enjoyed my work. But now I’m Secretary of State for Housing and busy with sleazy corruption I’ve decided to put all my efforts into perverting the course of democracy and justice instead of perverting the minds of my fans.”
2 Ben Wallace MP Once Shoplifted a Cadburys Cream Egg by Shoving it Up His Nose
Ben Wallace, Secretary for Defence, said he once stole a Cadburys Cream Egg from a corner shop in Glasgow while he was a member of the Scottish Parliament for North East Scotland.
“I was doing a spot of canvassing and general campaigning in the area when I got a bit peckish. But I didn’t have my wallet so I snuck into this corner shop and tea-leafed a Cream Egg which I stuffed up my left nostril.”
“The shop owner noticed that I was leaving without buying anything and chased after me, demanding I show him what I had up my nose. But I zig-zagged like a boss and, though he did parallels, he failed to collar me. I hid in an alleyway and chowed down on that illicit tuck with relish. It was the best Cadburys Cream Egg I ever had and I don’t regret a thing.”
Asked if he would do the same again if he got the chance, Wallace said, “oh aye. Next time I’ll nick two of the buggers and put one up both nostrils. Maybe I’ll boost some Flakes while I’m at it and shove them in my ears.”
1 Elizabeth Truss Likes to Scare Pedestrians With her Car Alarm
Elizabeth Truss, Secretary of State for International Trade, revealed she likes to use her car alarm to scare the willies out of passers by.
“I hide in the upstairs bedroom of my Ilkley town house and peek through the window. When someone walks past my car – a Mercedes Benz S Class – I press the little button thingy on the fob and the alarm bleeps really loudly, scaring the ever living shit out of them. It’s an absolute wheeze.”
“I do this at least six times a day, usually in the morning before work and then in the evening after. It helps relax me. My hope is that one day I’ll catch a really old and infirm granny tottering past with one of those weird upright shopping trolley suitcase things and I’ll give the old biddy a bleddy heart attack with my stealth car alarm japery.”
Truss, who is also the President of the Board of Trade, has purportedly involved the Prime Minister in her comedic trickery. “Boris has been over for tea a couple of times and joined me in terrifying a few pedestrians. Next we’re thinking of super-gluing some pound coins to the pavement to see what happens when a homeless person tries to pick them up. We’ll probably put it on Youtube and get a few likes and subscribes, so keep your eyes peeled!”