Boris Johnson Admits Satellite Technology Goes ‘Over His Head’

Boris Johnson has admitted that the finer details of the government’s latest proposed £500 million spend on shares in a recently bankrupt satellite company went ‘over his head’ after it was revealed that OneWeb – the company behind the technology – made the ‘wrong sort of satellites’.

The UK government’s investment in a satellite broadband company has baffled technology experts who say the company doesn’t even make the right type of satellite needed for ensuring Britain’s Global Positioning System continues to work after Brexit.

The satellites, which are to be called Spaknik, will double as off-world shelters for cabinet ministers during times of crisis or when the press are asking difficult questions.

Doctor Bleddyn Bowen, a space policy expert at the University of Leicester, said “yes, we’ve bought the wrong satellites.”

“The very talented lobbyists at OneWeb have convinced the government that we can completely redesign some of the satellites to piggyback a navigation payload… It’s a tech and business gamble.”

A sales clerk at OneWeb

The government dismissed claims that the enormous expenditure was a waste and have already implemented plans to have the outside of the satellites painted with the Union flag and portraits of Boris Johnson at a ‘bargain to the taxpayer’ cost of just £800 million.

Michael Gove said, “this will be a great deal for British consumers. We’ll be giving away satellite dishes to celebrate the launch of Spaknik.” When asked if the dishes would be free, Gove said, “yes. They’ll be on the house.”

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Priti Patel is believed to be the only Tory MP who dislikes the plan, saying, “I don’t trust GPS. Mine told me to turn around once, but when I did I couldn’t see where I was going and crashed the car.”

Giles Thorne, a research analyst at Jeffries, said, “this situation is nonsensical to me. This situation looks like nationalism trumping solid industrial policy.”

Despite having little to no clue about satellite technology or, indeed, how to put his own trousers on in the morning, the Prime Minister announced that he is still keen to press ahead with developing a UK based space program, saying, “we’re going to be the first country to put a man on the sun.”

When asked if this would not result in astronauts being burned to a crisp, Johnson said, “we already solved that problem – we’ll be going at night.”

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