Boris Johnson’s Arse Identified as Source of Dubious PMQ Statistics

The source of statistics used by the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson during yesterday’s Prime Minister’s Questions has been been identified as his own arse.

The British premier was seen pulling statistics out of his arse when answering difficult questions from opposition leader Sir Keir Starmer.

One MP said, “Boris pulled these stats out of his own arsehole then threw them around without a care in the world. I’ve had fifteen baths since yesterday, but I just can’t wash off the grubby feeling that I’m still covered in Johnson’s shit.”

The wife of a parliamentary MP tries to scrub the results of Johnson’s PMQ ‘shit-show’ from the family bath

Johnson was initially asked if he believed his government’s track and trace system was working, when Starmer deferred to the government’s own figures estimating that of the 33,000 infected with Coronavirus only 10,000 have yet been contacted.

Ignoring the demonstrable fact that the system failed to contact the majority of those infected, Johnson attempted to deflect focus onto the one third that had been contacted, calling the result ‘a huge success’.

When Starmer refused to accept this, Johnson denounced his own figures, calling them ‘just estimates’ and not a true representation of actual infection numbers.

When later questioned about the transmission rate, Johnson lacked an official figure and instead pulled an estimate out of his arse to prove that infections were decreasing.

Political analyst Dave Halpin said, “when estimated figures don’t serve Johnson’s narrative, they are ‘just estimates’, but when estimated figures do serve the narrative, they are used to prove the point. Which is it?”

Johnson later challenged Starmer to name one country with a successful track and trace app, to which Starmer succinctly replied, “Germany.”

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Halpin said, “Sir Starmer is a barrister by trade; weaponizing statistics, figures and fine minutiae is second nature to him. Johnson, on the other hand, thinks bluster and comedy will get him through. The result, as we’re seeing, is Johnson desperately rummaging around up his own arsehole for a way to respond to Starmer, and looking like a right tit in the process.”

During last week’s PMQs, Johnson claimed there were now 400,000 fewer British families living in poverty than in 2010. The claim was later dismissed as false by the children’s commissioner for England.

Sir Starmer used the government’s own official figures to show that, in fact, an additional 600,000 children now live in relative poverty compared with 2012 and that the total number of children in poverty is projected to rise to 5.2 million by 2022 on current trends.

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Johnson carefully explained that the 600,000 figure was merely a projected estimate. However, children’s commissioner, Anne Longfield, found that Sir Keir’s claims were correct and that Johnson was either lying deliberately or oblivious to his own government’s findings.

Yesterday, the opposition leader demanded Johnson retract his earlier claim. However, an apparently prepared Johnson refused and instead pulled yet more easily falsifiable crap out of his flabby backside, saying:

“I’m happy to point out to my learned friend that actually there are 100,000 fewer children in absolute poverty, 500,000 children falling below thresholds of low income and material deprivation.”

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A number of leading professionals in the field of child poverty, including Donald Hirsch, a Loughborough University professor of social policy, have called bullshit on this new claim.

Prof. Hirsch explained that the figures were only accurate if compared with 2009, a year in which Labour were firmly in power. He went on to say that child poverty levels increased by 100,000 during the first year of the subsequent Conservative led coalition.

“What is really outrageous is that last week he said something and was found out for cheating by picking years which suited his argument,” Professor Hirsch said. “He has now given another number which is not what he is claiming. Two weeks in a row he has made statements which can’t by any stretch of the imagination be substantiated.”

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