UK Government Stops Following Science, Resumes Following Satan

The British government have all but given up on their commitment to ‘follow the science’ and have announced that, now the Coronavirus threat appears to have passed and PR is less of a priority, they will be resuming their dedication to and worship of the Emperor of Hell.

A government insider said, “we’ve let the ritual sacrifices and blood letting slip in recent months, what with needing to look like we didn’t want everyone to die horribly of a respiratory disease. The Dark Lord has been very patient with us during this difficult public relations period.”

The Queen and Prince Phillip are said to be delighted that they will no longer be the only ones ‘feasting on the souls of babies’ at monthly gatherings of ‘the morbid host’, traditionally held in secret vaults beneath Eton.

A close confident of the Queen said, “her Maj has been feeling like the weight of Satan’s demands were squarely on her shoulders, especially since Harvey Weinstein stopped attending gatherings. She’ll be very pleased to see the cabinet back, especially Michael Gove. She finds it highly amusing when he wears his gimp outfit and reads from the anti-sabbatical while thrashing those afflicted with succubi.”

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The government have reportedly been neglectful in their duties to the Prince of Hell since the start of the virus crisis which required they pretend to be in charge of things on a full time basis. Satan was allegedly so disgruntled to begin with that he ‘visited a pox of bubos’ on Boris Johnson.

The insider said, “Johnson pretended to have the Rona but actually he came out in a deathly rash of sulphuric blisters after a rather difficult telephone conversation with Lucifer.”

Asked if Dominic Cummings was also a part of the government cabal dedicated to the ruler of Hades, the insider looked shifty and told our reporter, “dedicated to him? You do know Cummings actually is… oh wait, I’m not supposed to talk about that.”

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