The ‘Spawn of Boris’ – the name given to a veritable army of children with Daz-white level skin, foppish blonde hair and wobbly faces – who have suddenly started appearing everywhere in the capital, have been blamed for a deficit in Father’s Day cards ahead of the weekend.
The sudden influx of odd looking blonde children who bear a striking resemblance to the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, have been dubbed ‘Spawn of Boris’ based only on their uncanny appearance.
Londoner, Gary Brand said of the phenomenon, “they do look a lot like the PM, so I suppose that’s the origin of the name. One man couldn’t possibly spawn that many kids though, so I don’t think there’s any familial connection and I’m certain the Daily Shunt wouldn’t make such an insinuation. Anyway, I reckon they’re aliens. They all seem to have the same vacant expression.”
A UK card retailer said that their stores had been ‘invaded’ and ‘stripped bare’ ahead of the weekend by children with ‘messy blonde hair’ and ‘gelatinous jowls’. The children were eager to get their hands on the best cards and seemed to be in direct competition with one another.
Shop assistant Jackie Pledge who works at a popular card store said, “some of them confided in me as they were paying for their cards that they hoped to get the attention of an erstwhile father by giving him the best card they could find. I felt very sorry for them. Mind you, they were an ugly bunch of little goblins. Definitely the kinds of faces only a mother could love.”
Alice Givins, a checkout assistant at a card store in central London, said that Katie Hopkins, social commentator, bigot and evil caricature, came into the store with her third child Maximilian – a boy with floppy blonde hair, chubby features and an oddly vacant expression – and bought up ‘around three hundred cards’.
Hopkins allegedly told the checkout assistant she ‘was covering all bases because, let’s be honest, who knows’. “I didn’t really know what she meant by that,” Givins admitted, “but it is unusual for one child to buy three hundred Father’s Day cards. The only other time that happened was when Katie Price brought her kids in.”
“Anyway, this Maximillion resembled all those other kids. The similarity was kind of eery.”
Givins said, “I’ve seen thousands of these identical buggers this week.” When asked to describe them, she said they were “bumptious and caddish little picaninnies with watermelon smiles.”