Matt Hancock has announced the implementation of a new Track & Trace app to replace his previous app that didn’t work, claiming the new app is ‘old school tech’ and relies on steam, guages and shire horses on treadmills to work.
Hancock, who initially said his ‘world beating’ app would be ready by June 1st changed the release date to September and then a less specific ‘winter’ after it became clear the app was actually a half-baked concept with all the potential of a soggy Rich Tea.
The Secretary of State then scrapped the app altogether, saying he always intended to use the established and proven Apple/Google app despite saying in May that he would not consider using the established and proven Apple/Google app.
Dominic Cummings, whose friends, Marc and Ben Warner were reportedly paid £120 million to ‘develop’ the app allegedly ‘had a word’ in Hancock’s ear and the Tory MP quickly U-turned, saying the government app would still be used and that Apple/Google would be helping implement aspects of their own app to make Hancock’s app more effective.
With the £120 million untended contract safe, Hancock patted himself on the back in a particularly smug display of self-congratulation on the Andrew Marr show this week. However, Hancock’s latest porky pies were revealed when Apple and Google announced yesterday that they have never been approached by the government on the subject of its Track & Trace app.
Today, Hancock shoved all that aside as he revealed the original app will be tabled for now to make way for a new app, costing £350 million, with another untended contract going to the Pearls For Swine Hackneyed Contraptions Company, a business owned and operated by Dominic Cummings’ uncle, Steptoe Cummings.
The new app will run on ‘old school technology’ within a former shoe factory beside the Thames. Operating on a mixture of steam, pressure guages and ‘cranks’ the app will also be part-powered by shire horses on treadmills and manned by a staff of grimy faced street urchins.
Hancock, who will don a leather steampunk overcoat, hat and goggles for his role as head overseer of the project, will be commanding operation of the app in the guise of ‘The Gaffer’.
“Users won’t be able to download this app,” Hancock said as he checked his pocket watch, “they’ll need to send off for an ‘app pack’ which is basically a 12ft x 15ft engine connected to the app server (the former shoe factory) by an umbillical of rubber hoses, interconnecting copper pipes and valves.”
Hancock went on to say that the new app has been tested on the Isle of Mann and was a ‘rip-roaring success’ despite several accidents involving thresher machines (an intrinsic part of the end-user technology).
“Some people lost a few limbs and heads and so on, but you can’t make a world beating omelette without severing a few legs,” Hancock quipped before jumping into his dirigible and flying off across the crooked rooftops of old London town.
Campaigners for privacy and security online have raised concerns over the way the new app requires end-users be strapped into a rotating ‘hamster-wheel’ while hoses plumbed into their spleen, small intestine and spinal column extract body fat and essential nutrients which are then deposited in vast vats.
What happens to the contents of the vats remains unknown, but a company called Cummings & Hancock Enterprises Best Quality Hair Wax was recently awarded a contract for safe disposal of the ‘unavoidable waste material’.
Hancock dismissed concerns, saying, “we’ve put security at the heart of the new app. We’ll have armed police patrolling the banks of the Thames and attack dogs situated in the factory itself to ensure nobody gets in and nobody gets out.”
Asked whether Apple and/or Google had helped in developing the new app, Hancock said, “yes. I sat down with the CEOs of both companies several times this week to go over technical details about hard drives and CD ROMs and things like that. Steve Jobs was there and so was Bill Gates. At this stage we’re pretty much best friends and, in fact, they were able to learn a thing or two from me.”