Boris Johnson has once again proven himself to be the ‘hero of the people’ by not forcing starving British children to endure a summer without food.
The government originally planned to scrap free school-meal vouchers over the summer holidays, a move which would have left hundreds of thousands of families already facing financial hardship over the Coronavirus crisis struggling to feed their children.
But a campaign by Manchester United footballer, Marcus Rashford highlighting the desperate struggle parents would face if the voucher system was scrapped, forced Johnson to make a U-turn on his original proposal.
A Number 10 insider said today, “Boris was, at first, concerned about the prospect of feeding starving British children. We need to sort out this customs issue over Brexit, which means employing 50,000 under-trained border staff to harass, strip search and bully visitors coming into and leaving the country.”
“Understandably, this didn’t leave much in the coffers for things like children not having food. But Boris is a soft hearted hero of the people and realised, after a footballer said something, that letting kids starve might look bad. So in typical Boris style (compassion and humility, in case that’s not clear… there’s two s’s in compassion) he reneged on his decision and saved the children.”
Conservative voters were today calling for a statue of the altruistic Prime Minister to be erected in London as a reminder to everyone that money isn’t everything and that the children must come first.
Barry Gethnal, a 62 year old retired financier from Surrey said:
“Parents who can’t afford to have children shouldn’t have children. Neither should parents who could afford to have children but can no longer can afford to have them and parents who were quite wealthy when they had children but now find themselves in dire straits due to the Coronavirus.”
Gethnal went on, “the children should be sent to some kind of forced labour camp, which, let’s face it, Jeremy Corbyn would have done anyway if he’d been voted in, and the parents should be conscripted into the army or something. That way they can still serve the community, but not in a socialist way.”
Meanwhile, the government said it will be continuing its review of footballer’s wages.
Number 10 have repeatedly said that footballers earn way too much for people who didn’t go to Eton and that they have become ‘false idols’ for the British public. Future policy changes are expected to consider redistributing footballers’ wealth throughout the population, but not in a socialist way.