Black British people today descended on Primark as the famous UK store re-opened with a ‘grand re-opening Gammon BOGOF’ offer.
The promotion, which has been launched by the popular store in honour of Black Lives Matter and which is only open to black citizens, is selling two bald-headed football hooligans for the price of one. The tattooed thugs are described as ‘perfect for running summer barbecues, chanting football slogans and general DIY’.
Leonard Pickman, a 24 year old accountant from Hampstead Heath, said, “it’s a good offer. I’m going to install one in the garage to do maintenance on my car and the other one I’m going to keep outside to protect the garden gnome from vandals.”
However, several shoppers were already returning their gammon slaves to Primark this afternoon, claiming the goods were shoddy and not as useful as promised.
Casandra Jenkins, a mother of two who bagged four gammons this morning said, “I didn’t know they run on Fosters and badly fitting jeans. I thought you just plugged them in or something. I bought a bumper pack of 20 cans this morning on the advice of the store but all 20 are gone and the gammons are already asking for more! At least the jeans are a one off purchase.”
Primark responded, saying, “the gammons do require fuel in the form of either Fosters or Tennants Extra, neither of which are supplied. Buyers should also be aware that the gammons need a certain amount of maintenance.”
“They should be taken to a soccer match at least once a week for a tune-up and we recommend that during down time you plug your gammon into some Jim Davidson Specials, reruns of Bullseye and/or Roy Chubby Brown DVDs.”
Most buyers were happy with their purchase, however. Derek Chard, a black bicycle courier who lives in Wandsworth Bridge, said:
“I love my gammons. Running them can be pricey, but I found that they’ll happily run on Lidl’s brand lager which is only 60p a can. I couldn’t find any Roy Chubby Brown but they seem very happy with the Jethro dvds and Status Quo album I bought for a song on eBay.”
“They tend to fight with each other a bit if you don’t keep them apart and it’s best to keep them off the internet, but they’re great. I’m probably going to buy a couple more for my mum. She has some ornaments in her living room that could do with protecting.”