The ‘Football Lads Alliance’ descended on London today to ‘defend statues’ and protest their right to be dumber than slightly evolved amoebas covered in tattoos.
Gangs of soccer hoodlums, whose only usual outlet for violence is each other at away games, today took their Bloke Lives Matter protest to the streets in a display of directionless rage, fisticuffs and cans of Fosters.
A number of morbidly obese Karens were also in attendance, meandering aimlessly while smoking ‘fags’ and keen to see ‘a few coppers get a kicking’.
Chanting ‘Inger-lund’ while throwing missiles at police, the protesters were determined to show the world the true face of the Great British ‘master race’.
Medical experts voiced concerns that the mobs of exposed bald heads and Daz-level whiter than white skin could lead to an epidemic of sunstroke and urged protesters to don hats and factor 900 sun cream to avoid burning.
Doctor Alan Davies, an epidemiologist, said, “the sun has peeked through thick cloud cover today once or twice, which is likely to burn these people to a crisp. If they turn red we could see mass violence as they start trying to beat each other up for ‘looking foreign’.
Black Lives Matter demonstrators gave the streets a wide berth today in order to avoid violent clashes with nationalist groups. Many sensibly chose to make peaceful protests yesterday instead.
The anti-BLM protesters claim they are in London to defend ‘British monuments’ but showed less interest in statues than in punching police, drinking copious amounts of cheap lager and ‘strutting’.
Not everyone was dismayed by the protests, however, with many wives and families of the blokes saying today that they were looking forward to the first peace and quiet they’ve had in months.
Claire Dibley, wife of Craig, a Tommy Robinson fanatic who has spent the last three months complaining about football not being on the telly said, “I’ve done loads today and none of it has involved clearing up after a neanderthal with the IQ of fresh roadkill.”
Alice Staines, who lives in Manchester with her husband Doug, said, “He’s gone off with his mates to beat up policemen and he’s taken that horrible framed photo of Tommy Robinson with him. Me and the kids are going to play Junior Scrabble then watch Frozen. I’ll finally be able to open a window and air out the smell of stale piss and Fosters.”
At the same time, husbands and boyfriends of Karens were keen to see the back of their spouses for a day. “Not all gammons wear jeans and t-shirts,” Pete Briggs, husband of Gemma ‘Yo Momma’ Briggs, told the Daily Shunt. “She can’t usually get her fat arse off the sofa long enough to buy a packet of fags, but today she’s dragged herself to London. I don’t really care why. Hopefully she won’t come back.”
Wife, girlfriend and husband gains, however, came at the expense of the capital today which saw elevated levels of violence, Fosters and Tommy Robinson.
Londoner Xander Hargreaves said, “the BLM protests claim there is white privilege in this country and, until today, I agreed with them. But now I’m not so sure. If this is representative of privilege, it’s a depressing state of affairs. The black protesters last weekend were much more nicely dressed, better spoken, better behaved and had far superior personal hygiene.”