Black Volunteer Winston Cleans Churchill, Tories Take Credit

Conservative party MPs today robbed satirical news pages like this one of all agency by creating real life satire with a sprinkling of the kind of irony ‘you couldn’t make up if you tried’.

Four white Tory MPs, including Less Anderson, MP for Ashfield, attempted to clean graffiti from the defaced Winston Churchill statue which was vandalised during London’s recent Black Lives Matter protests.

The MPs were asked to stop their publicity stunt when black council worker Winston (Winston!) arrived to do a proper job.

One man, Winston cleans Winston after four volunteers and four Tory MPs failed to achieve the job

When Winston’s job was done, the MPs then pretended to scrub the statue clean while the press took photos and Winston stood politely to one side. A witness said:

“It looked very much like they wanted Winston well and truly out of the picture so he wouldn’t ruin the moment, either by being black or by being the person who actually did the cleaning.”

National newspapers today reported the selfless actions of four heroic Tory MPs, universally failing to mention Winston or, indeed, four volunteers (one of whom was involved in the protests) who attempted to clean the statue earlier in the same day.

Political commentator Dave Halpin said, “whether you agree with the protests or not, you can’t ignore the fact that the universe is clearly trying to tell us something here. Not only did these Tories steal Winston’s thunder, in their puerile effort to garner some good publicity they merely underlined the fact that this country has a problem. A big problem.”

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Winston Churchill has been accused of racism but remains an icon to many Brits for the crucial role he played in defeating the Nazis during World War 2.

Halpin said, “the ethical implications of defacing Churchill’s statue are less clear cut than, say, hurling down the statue of slave trader and murderer Edward Colston in Bristol. Churchill held racist and eugenicist views but was also responsible for saving this country from the Nazi threat.”

Churchill said of the Jews, “We owe [to the Jews] a system of ethics which, even if it were entirely separated from the supernatural, would be incomparably the most precious possession of mankind, worth in fact the fruits of all wisdom and learning put together.”

He also expressed disgust at Nazi antisemitism, but undermined his admiration for certain races with openly disparaging comments directed at others. “He denounced the Chinese people, for example” Halpin explained, “and had nothing but contempt for India and the Middle East.”

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“There’s no doubt that Churchill held racist views, but many of these views still resonate with current Conservative thinking. Boris Johnson, our Prime Minister, echoed many of the statements made by Churchill when he wrote for the Spectator and that’s part of the big problem.”

“Johnson insists Britain is not racist, but he himself is racist and he commands a party who are systematically racist in thought if not deed. Racism is not a side-issue in this country. It is currently the blood pumping through the veins of this country.”

“Brexit, the Hostile Environment agenda, the Tory campaign in 2019 – which relied on nationalist fervour and Brexit to win the election – and current government efforts to reverse decades of progress by targeting and punishing minorities, especially those who represent a key part of the National Health Service, are all different aspects of the same racist mechanism.”

UPDATE: The Daily Shunt have been asked by representatives of the Conservative party to remove this story as they don’t like it. We have refused.

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