Bristolians Throw Bristol Into River As They Realise Entire City Founded on Slavery

Bristolians yesterday showed their support for the Black Lives Matter protests around the world by tipping a statue of slave-trader, Edward Colston into the river Avon.

They then went on to throw The Colston Hall theatre, two Colston Schools and Colston Tower into the river after discovering these famous landmarks were also founded by Edward Colston.

Later in the day Bristolians decided the entire city needed to go when they remembered that the success of Bristol was established on the backbone of a thriving slave trade and illicit gun-running industry spanning a period between the 11th and 18th centuries.

Brestawl sspen shun bredge – a world famous historic landmark from which depressed Bristolians have been hurling themselves for decades

The city – which in recent times has given the world graffiti artist, Banksy, cartoon funny duo Wallace and Grommit, getting drunk on treacle-based cider and an inedible pastry-encased offal delicacy which locals refer to as Clark’s Pies – is now sitting at the bottom of an open sewer affectionately known as ‘the river Avon’.

Historian Henry Churchill explained, “Bristol has a very diverse history. The initial burg of Bristol was not very impressive and the city didn’t really come into its own until the construction of a Norman castle around 1070. The port then expanded rapidly after the 11th century when it turned into a busy thoroughfare for Britain’s booming slave trade with Ireland.”

“The city’s reliance on the slave trade continued for a further eight centuries, during which time hundreds of thousands of slaves were routinely shipped as far afield as the Americas. Most of the famous voyages of pioneers like John Cabot were funded by prosperous local slave traders.”

A replica of the ship used by John Cabot to ‘discover’ America after the Vikings and Columbus already discovered it

Local activist, Gary Bukes, who helped to throw much of the region between Frenchay and Witchurch into the river Avon, said, “this ain’t the waiterbee innum! Weed int chew tell us er settee wusree spensible for sue men ee bleck laves lost? Weed int chew tell us, moi luvver?”

Bukes went on, “we star’id with thet stet chew, roight. Then we threw thet Coolstin ‘all in an’ all, roight. Then we threw thet Coolstin Too er in an’ all, roight. Then we fought, mate as well threw the ‘ole bleddy settee in, innum?”

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Those who support black slavery, including most of the Tory party, the Daily Mail and a percentage of the Daily Mail’s readership, today denounced the destruction of Edward Colston’s statue, calling it an ‘act of vandalism’ and a mark of disrespect against people who enslave other people, brand them with hot irons and throw them overboard if they feel a bit poorly.

Meanwhile, the Black Lives Matter protests continue to gather pace up and down the country as those forced to endure lock down for months finally find a way to vent their frustrations and ignore social distancing without getting judged by people on social media.

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