The UK government have announced that the Coronavirus crisis was all just a bad dream and that the British public should go back to sleep and it will all look much better in the morning.
The announcement comes after the government stopped giving daily updates on the number of deaths from Coronavirus after it turned out that the UK had the highest death rate in Europe.
A Westminster spokesman said, “it turns out, there were no deaths. So there’s nothing to report.”
The Tories also stopped publishing daily stats for the number of people being tested when it became clear that the figures fell woefully short of the government’s own 100,000 tests per day target.
The same spokesman said, “you don’t need tests if there’s no virus. Use common sense people.”
A BAME report which revealed that black and Asian minorities in Britain are more susceptible to the deadly disease (which doesn’t actually exist) was this week suppressed by Matt Hancock as the data might have provided damning evidence into inequality and racial discrimination in Britain.
The spokesman said, “there’s nothing to see here. Turn the telly on and see if the football is back on yet.”
The government have also stopped invoking the name of ‘science’ or giving daily press briefings alongside scientists after many high profile experts and advisers condemned the Prime Minister’s decision to ease lock down early.
The spokesman pointed to a seagull and said, “oh look. Is that an owl? You don’t see many of those do you?”
Dominic Cummings has been exonerated of all wrong-doing in the 14 days since the British press revealed the political adviser had travelled 250 miles while infected with Coronavirus.
The spokesman reminded us, “Cummings wasn’t infected because nobody even knows who Cummings is. Anyway, why would you bring that up? Are you a communist?”
This week, as the British press turned its eyes toward startling new evidence that Madeleine McCann is still missing, the government quietly announced that its track and trace app won’t be ready until September.
The spokesman, now wearing a clown outfit, said, “squeeze my nose. It honks!”
Meanwhile, three months after the (non-existent) Coronavirus first invaded British shores, leading to the deaths of nearly 50,000 people, the government this week said face masks were probably a good idea.
The spokesman refuted this was shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted, saying, “pull my finger.”
Despite stating that the Coronavirus never happened and that we are all collectively suffering from a delusional nightmare from which we should wake up and definitely not start thinking about holding anyone responsible, Boris Johnson this week congratulated himself on doing a fine job during the crisis.
The families of 50,000 people who no longer exist have responded with mixed feelings saying that they definitely remember their loved ones being alive and surely, if the Coronavirus was all an elaborate dream, there would be a rational explanation as to why they remember things differently.
The spokesman responded to this by saying, “the government no longer exists. We are a figment of your imagination. Nothing is real. Matter is just energy vibrating at different frequencies. Who said that? Not me. I’m not here. None of us are. We’re just leaves on the wind. Pfff.”