Sheep – Fluffy white members of the animal kingdom and suppliers of lamb chops and roast beef – have been the staple of green fields and farms for centuries. But this week sheep all over the world suddenly jerked awake after years of being urged to do so by conspiracy theorists.
The effect is believed to stem from internet microwave energy fields floating through the air and infiltrating the sleeping brains of sheep, causing them to have sudden revelations about 9/11, the Gulf of Tonkin incident and Hilary Clinton’s inbox.
Gary, a sheep from West Yorkshire who usually spends the day munching grass and the night sleeping on his feet, said, “I was having a lovely dream about eating a bit of grass then going over to a different part of the field and eating another bit of grass when I suddenly found I had all these opinions about 5G towers and the Illuminati. I woke up immediately, but I’m not sure why.”
Terrence Garibaldi, a conspiracy theorist who has appeared numerous times on the Alex Jones show to talk about alternative medicine, weight loss pills and the coming Chinese invasion of America through smart phone technology, said, “it’s about time these sheep woke up and paid attention to what’s going on.”
Other conspiracy theorists urged more sheep to wake up, with Jerod Hutchins, a self-professed expert on the reptilian agenda, saying, “wake up sheeple! Take the red pill. Or maybe the green pill. Which pill was it? I forgot.”
Meanwhile, bewildered sheep across the world have started taking to the internet in their thousands to voice their dismay at being roused unecessarily from slumber, with William T Harrington III, a sheep who lives in the south west of Cornwall saying:
“Leave us sheep alone conspiratards! We only get to live a few years before we end up on a dinner plate and don’t want to spend the small amount of time we have worrying about the moon landing or whether White Star Lines sank the Titanic for the insurance money.”
Henry Butcher, a farmer from the Cotswolds, echoed William’s sentiment saying, “if any bugger worries my sheep I’ll blow their bleedin’ heads off with my twelve bore. It’s what I’d do to a fox so I’ll be buggered if I wouldn’t do it to a conspiratard an’all.”