Boris Johnson ‘Merely Doodling’ Insider Reveals of Infamous Press Briefing Pen

Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has recently started wielding a pen during press briefings, has merely been using it to doodle pictures of boobs and willies, a government insider revealed today.

In recent daily press briefings, Johnson and his cohorts have been seen furiously scribbling what many assumed were notes when presented with questions from the press.

A government whistle blower revealed that, while scientific advisers have largely been taking notes and highlighting bullet points in readiness for a sensible response, Boris Johnson has been doodling pictures of oversized breasts and penises.

Chris Whitty has accused Boris of ‘copying’ and now covers his own doodles with his hand

It is uncertain at this point whether the Prime Minister’s drawings of knobs have been embellished with ‘three drippy bits’ or whether he has stuck to only sketching the willies and balls.

Speculation was rife today that Johnson is trying to follow in the footsteps of Winston Churchill – an avid painter in the classical style and someone with whom Johnson has been repeatedly compared in recent weeks.

The insider said, “Boris is about as good an artist as he is a guardian of public safety. At first we thought he was drawing pictures of aeroplanes and jam tarts, but closer scrutiny revealed the horrifying truth.”

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The artwork, which is often surrounded by expletives such as ‘boris #1 best priminister eva’ and ‘note to self: ban that absaloot duffer from dayly mirror’, has been described as ‘eye-wateringly graphic.’

The insider today told reporters from a number of newspapers that the British premier not only doodles obsessively during press briefings but is also in the habit of carving hearts with ‘Boris + Carrie 4eva’ and ‘Boris + Dominic BFF’ into House of Commons wainscoting.

“It’s become a bit of a problem,” the insider said. “The wood panelling in parliament is centuries old and Boris is doing untold damage. Thankfully we’ve only found the one penis so far, but we can’t be sure it was Boris and not Rees-Mogg who, frankly, is even more obsessed with male genitalia than the PM.”

Rees Mogg gazes into the middle distance as he contemplates a jolly jape concerning the word ‘flacid’

Johnson has been banned from carrying any sharp objects which he might use to scratch further graffiti into the historic walls of Westminster. Speaker of the House, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, said:

“It has become incumbent upon me to confiscate a number of biros, protractors and chunky markers from the Prime Minister’s person in recent days in an effort to save the knotty pine.”

Sir Hoyle added, “in the case of the pens it’s merely to prevent the right honourable gentleman from scribbling on the furniture. As for the sharp objects, it’s also for his personal safety as he can’t be trusted with anything sharper than a pencil. I’m allowing him one fidget spinner during PMQs but he’s under strict instructions not to throw it at Keir Starmer again.”

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