The Coronavirus, a viral infectious disease which normally shows no prejudice in who it infects or kills, revealed today that it chose to avoid the mindless masses congregating on Durdle Door beach in Dorset, stating “even a positive-sense single-stranded RNA genome with a nucleocapsid of helical symmetry has standards.”
The virus said that it refused to stoop so low as to infect people who possess fewer brain cells than itself.
The Coronavirus, who prefers to be called Covid-19 or C-19 to its friends, said that as an RNA virus and limited multi-cellular organism it drew the line at infecting multi-cellular organisms who still think hanging around on the edge of the sea looking at rocks is an evolutionary accomplishment.
In a statement, Covid-19 said, “let’s not beat around the bush. I’m fairly dumb. The average diameter of one of my virus particles is around 125nm, which, as any scientist will tell you, is extraordinarily small. Doesn’t leave a lot of room for cognitive thinking.”
The respiratory tract infection, which is single-handedly responsible for a global pandemic despite having no hands, went on to say, “but since January I’ve been around the world a bit. Seen a lot of shit. I can tell you, that Durdle Door crowd really take the biscuit.”
British sun worshippers who ignored lock down and social distancing guidance over the weekend to gather in their thousands on the famous Dorset beach had little to say about the news today, though they did shove forward an official spokesman to speak on their behalf.
The spokesman, Ug Mammoth-Slayer, said, “we come Durdle Door. We worship great sun in sky. We mighty small. Sun mighty big. We want go brown, like sausages. We not fear Coronavirus. Coronavirus mighty small and we mighty big. Anyway, me not talk too long. Me want go body-board and me only have hour parking.”