Police to Investigate Bears Shitting in Woods After Saying ‘Cummings Might be Guilty’

Durham police have announced that Dominic Cummings ‘might’ be guilty of breaching Lock Down rules but the matter warranted no further action.

The Durham force went on to say that they will now be investigating claims that bears shit in the woods, fire is hot and Adolf Hitler was responsible for the holocaust.

This latest news in the increasingly surreal case of Boris Johnson’s chief political adviser, Dominic Cummings, came after the BBC issued an extraordinary apology for failing to uphold impartiality standards.

Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis implied Cummings breached lock-down rules in her introduction to the story on Tuesday and was subsequently removed from Wednesday night’s show.

On Wednesday, Boris Johnson came under fire from Labour MPs Meg Hillier and Yvette Cooper on the matter of Dominic Cummings, whose story appears to have more holes than a block of Swiss cheese at a hungry mouse convention.

Johnson ducked and evaded the questions while simultaneously dismissing calls from 60+ of his own back benchers to force Cummings to resign.

At the same time, Johnson chose to ignore widespread public anger and a revolt from traditionally sympathetic news outlets, stating that he had nothing more to say on the matter.

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