British parents incarcerated in their homes with their children will emerge at 8pm every Tuesday to clap for the Roblox game, it has been announced.
Roblox, which currently serves as the go-to electronic ‘nanny’ for kids across the nation, has not only kept the country’s children entertained during the Coronavirus crisis, but has been hailed as the sole reason many parents are not now gibbering wrecks in need of admission to rehab or an insane asylum.
Alcohol, which has long been an aid to those who find reality troublesome, will also be formally recognised by those who clap on Tuesdays, assuming they can put down their Prosecco/wine glasses long enough and coordinate the complex manoeuvre required for bringing both hands together.
Parents required to home school their children over the past 10 weeks are believed to be ‘hanging on by a very fine thread’ and have warned teachers anticipating school reopenings on June 1st that the children may be ‘a little feral at this stage’.
Tomsk Gardener, a 11 year old who will be heading back to school on Monday next week, has regressed to neanderthal levels but his mum, Trisha, had nothing but praise for Roblox:
“He gnaws the furniture and no longer communicates using words, but Roblox and Fortnite have been a saving grace. Somehow, there’s still a small human being in there. All the same, I pity his teachers. I advise they don’t make eye contact for too long and if he starts worshipping elder gods they should just let him get on with it. I find it’s easier that way.”
Alan Shepherd, an IT manager who was furloughed during the Coronavirus crisis, requiring he home school his three children while his wife – a key worker – goes to work, said:
“School at home consists of getting up around 10am, followed by two hours of Minecraft, two hours of Roblox and two hours of Clash of Clans during which I get steadily more pissed on cheap whisky. We manage to pull it together and appear normal in time for mum getting home, but I have started hallucinating and am fairly convinced at this stage that the voices are not just in my head.”
8 Year old Agatha Berryman, the daughter of two parents on furlough who she describes as ‘soaked in gin and barely parents at all at this stage’ has resorted to using Siri for her daily needs.
“Siri is the best teacher ever and never gives me any lip,” Agatha told the Daily Shunt whilst sharpening her flint axe and adjusting a hat made from the skull of a sacrificial goat.
Desmond Craigslist, a 42 year old father of five whose wife is a NHS nurse, broke down in tears when he answered the door to our reporter, flung his arms around her legs and begged her to take him “somewhere… anywhere!”
When Desmond was calm enough, he told us, “I live in Hell. The kids took full control of the household about two weeks ago and have established a kind of semi-autonomous technocracy based on blood letting, survival of the fittest and who has the highest Roblox score. They keep me chained up in the cupboard under the stairs where I’ve managed to subsist on a diet of insects and cobweb.”
As children prepare to return to school on Monday, teachers are growing increasingly nervous at the prospect of taming post-lock-down behaviour.
Mrs Shingles, a primary school teacher from County Durham, said, “I’m taking no chances. I bought a cattle prod on eBay and I’ll be wearing a full suit of armour. Fuck the virus. It’s the kids I’m scared of.”