The new government slogan warns us to Stay Alert. But what is a Lert and how can you become one, little less remain one?
We’ve researched this complex and disturbing question in detail in order to give you, our dear readers, as thorough an answer as possible.
Be warned, however, that the following article is a proverbial rabbit hole. If you choose to read on, prepare to meet more than one white rabbit, a handful of Mad Hatters and a whole basket full of grinning Cheshire Cats.
There may also be a Queen of Hearts and some kind of giant caterpillar smoking a bong.
The term Lert stems from the etymological root of the old French word a’lerte, meaning ‘to be vigilant for Lerts’ or ‘beware of Lerts’ and was often written on old wooden signs in spooky French forests as a warning to ramblers, dog walkers and invading armies that Lerts were abroad.
But what on Earth is a Lert?
According to the Paranormal Encyclopedia, a Lert is a mischievous creature found in remote places. They are often described in old texts as ‘stout’ and ‘sweary’ with a shaved head, bulging belly and propensity for swilling large quantities of cheap lager.
Professor Darren Varholy, an expert in ancient myths, monsters and superstitions, said, “the Lert is one of the nastier monsters from folklore.”
“They were very territorial and hated anything that wasn’t a Lert like them. They were also very very stupid, completely illiterate, racist, misogynistic and easily led.”
“They lived in their natural form in forests and swamps, but could take possession of a human body and turn a relatively normal, nice person into a repulsive, irrational lout.”
The government’s insistence that we all remain a Lert takes on new significance when combined with these ancient stories.
Is the government merely urging us to be like the Lerts? Or could it be that we, the British public, find ourselves now in the midst of an invasion as Lerts possess susceptible people up and down the country?
David Icke, lunatic ex-sports commentator, son of God and an expert in things that he made up just a minute ago, said:
“The Lert is essentially a part of the Reptilian race who have been taking over our populations for a long time now. The Lert is the lowest form of Reptilian – dumber than a brick and happy to believe any old tosh provided they retain their freedom to be outrageous bigots.”
Before rising into the air and floating away on a turquoise rainbow, Icke added, “the only way to destroy the Lerts is with patience. You can’t kill them or oust them once they’ve wormed their way into society. You can only really wait for them to hang themselves with their own rope.”
A government spokesman today refuted the Daily Shunt’s extensive research into Lerts, claiming, “the message isn’t stay a lert, as in be a lert, or a lert, as in Lert with a capital letter, like a proper noun, the message is stay alert, as in alert, all one word, a verb (verb? Or adverb? No, a verb because there’s no noun, so yes, a verb) not two words anyway, one. Well, two words because stay alert, but not three words as in stay a lert. I don’t see how it could be any clearer.”