Right wing supporters of the Conservative government often say “naow iz nut da tim fer polikital pint scarring”, but the truth is that there’s never been a better time to start collecting political points.
With more and more outlets offering great deals in return for political points, we decided the time was ripe to give you a run down of the best ways you can spend all those points.
So if you, like us, accrued a mountain of points over the bank holiday weekend thanks to the breaking Dominic Cummings story and ineptitude of the Conservative government, here’s ten ways you can spend those points right now:
Priti Patel Fire Pit and Barbecue Drum + Accessories (1000 political points)
Argos online are offering this Priti Patel endorsed mid-range barbecue and fire pit combo with an assortment of accessories for just 1000 political points.
An automatic thermostat ejects migrants from British shores when the sausages are done, or use the built in timer with its nonsensical arrangement of numbers to cook those gammon steaks to perfection. We found the rotisserie perfect for char-grilling secretaries.
Cummings-and-Goings ‘Durham or Bust’ Camping Set (2000 political points)
Heading up country for a cheeky spot of illegal camping? Why not spend your hard earned political points on the awesome Cummings-and-Goings ‘Durham or Bust’ camping set from B&Q.
The set, which costs just 2000 political points, includes a robust tent, a grey beanie (for keeping the sun off that shiny bald pate), a handy guide to plausible deniability and even a blow up Boris Johnson air-bed so you can snuggle up to your favourite Prime Minister even when he’s nowhere to be seen.
The Matt Hancock ‘Handy Hands Cocklight’ (700 political points)
If you’ve got a hand and you’ve got a cock and you’ve got 700 political points burning a hole in your pocket, this is the perfect gift to give yourself.
Based on the hugely popular ‘fleshlight’, the Matt Hancock Handy Hands Cocklight takes all the friction and effort out of a night of ‘self pleasure’. With six speed settings, a free bottle of ‘Matt’s Mineral Jelly Lube’ and a month’s free subscription to Pornhub, this really is the gift that will keep on giving.
The UK Surplus Store
Dominic Raab ‘Raabinator’ .22 Calibre Air Rifle (6000 political points)
Fancy something a little bit different? Why not treat yourself to the Raabinator, a .22 calibre air rifle with an effective range of 200 yards and a spring loading single gauge action that lets you load and fire at speed.
Shoot yourself in the foot in style with this high powered (but legal) weapon endorsed by the action hero of Conservative politics.
This baby will set you back 6000 political points but you can’t put a price on being uber-cool. Pellets and stock polish sold separately.
The Boris Johnson All-in-One Karaoke Experience (10,000 political points)
Bored of your latest muse and feel the need to impregnate the sexy blonde secretary? Woo her with this schmoozer’s dream, an all-in-one karaoke machine with LCD teleprompter, built in microphone and amp.
The pre-installed selection of karaoke classics include ‘Oops, I Did it Again’, ‘Shallow’, ‘Born to Run’, ‘Livin on a Prayer’, ‘I Will Survive’, ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’, ‘Everybody Wants to Rule the World’ and our favourite, ‘Basket Case’ by Greenday.
The Nigel Farage ‘Dodgy Geezer’ Headware Fashion Collection (500 political points)
If you’ve not been scoring against gammons and idiots on the internet quite as much as you’d like, this collection of fashionable hats from the Nigel Farage ‘Dodgy Geezer’ collection will only set you back a very affordable 500 political points.
That’s right, not 700, not even 600 but 500 political points! If you order before midday on Friday 29th May, Threads will even throw in a free cigar.
The Jacob Rees-Mogg ‘Eton Mess’ Japes, Buffoonery and Guffaws Joke Book (100 political points)
If you don’t want to splurge all your points in one go, why not take a look at this joke book from Conservative funny man, Jacob Rees-Mogg priced at just 100 political points.
With laughs aplenty about top hats, kicking the servants, ‘funny things Nanny said’ and an entire section of ‘simply spiffing Eton anecdotes’ there’s something here for everyone to enjoy.
The 5G Survivor’s Anti-Microwave Personal Protection Helmet (450 political points)
Ensure social distancing and protect yourself from the harmful, mind-altering effects of 5G towers with this eye-catching Anti-Microwave Personal Protection Helmet, available exclusively at Preppers Online for just 450 political points.
As the world slowly fries, your brain will be protected from all dangers (other than those that are already in your brain). If you’re a member of the UK Flat Earthers Society you’ll even enjoy a 50 point discount!
Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory Experience With Prince Andrew (25,000 political points)
If you’ve really been shamelessly taking advantage of the litany of government failures, gaffs and fubars since the Coronavirus crisis began, you’ve probably got more political points than a hedge fund manager.
Instead of spending all those points on yourself, why not treat the kids to this once-in-a-lifetime experience with Prince Andrew on a tour of the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory theme park in Lego Land, Windsor.
Children will take a magical trip into the world of Willy Wonka (played by Prince Andrew) while parents are free to explore the rest of Lego Land and enjoy some valuable couples time.
The experience includes an after party at Windsor Castle in Prince Andrew’s private chambers with oodles of jelly, ice cream and pop music to get everyone in the mood.
Royal Bank of Scotland
The Rishi Sunak ‘Your Points Are Safe With Us’ ISA (as many political points as you like)
Whether you’ve got just one, or a mountain of political points, you can invest them all in this exclusive Rishi Sunak ‘Your Points Are Safe With Us’ ISA savings account from RBS.
Sunak explains the ISA on the RBS website:
“Your points will be placed in an off-shore holdings account then transferred through a number of publicly owned mutual and private equity funds into open ended investment returns, trading portfolios and illiquid asset pathways for a fixed pre-term of one to six years. At the end of the ISA you’ll be given the option to reroute investment opportunities into a diverging set of six alternative migrating funds or defer interest dividends to a separate IUCITS account.”
Sunak has personally given his seal of approval to this ISA, making it one of the best places to put your hard earned political points if you don’t really want them anymore (terms and conditions apply).