The UK government today responded to the public outcry over allegations that Dominic Cummings flouted lock down rules while infected with Covid-19 by denying all knowledge of either Cummings or the town of Durham.
A Conservative party spokesman said, “there has been much talk in the media about this fictional character, Dominic Cummings. We are not going to respond to allegations made by campaigning newspapers about someone who never even existed.”
When asked why Cummings thought it acceptable to travel 250 miles to the town of Durham in order to visit his parents (both of whom are elderly and fall into the vulnerable category), the government said Cummings wasn’t actually real and there is no town called Durham.
Robert and Morag Cummings, who would have been the parents of Boris Johnson’s political adviser if Dominic Cummings had ever been born, were said to be shocked by the news, with Robert saying:
“We’re stunned to learn that all the memories we have of Dominic were false. We were also alarmed to hear that Durham doesn’t exist. We have both packed a suitcase and will be making our way out of Durham as soon as possible in case we also stop existing.”
The government also denied today that any MP or sympathetic member of the press ever tried to defend the actions of Cummings over the weekend.
Michael Gove insisted on Twitter that the whole thing was invented by the Daily Mirror to ‘start a bit of a juicy rumour’ and that screenshots of Tory MPs speaking in support of Cummings were ‘Photoshopped’.
Gove said, “obviously Cummings is a name everyone has heard, but he only ever existed in the way that Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes or King Arthur existed. Heroic, but ultimately fictional figures, romanticised but best forgotten in the greater scheme of things.”
Gove pointed out that “even if the screenshots were not Photoshopped, which they were, but hypothetically let’s say they weren’t, none of us ever once mentioned anyone called Dominic Cummings. Well, apart from Hancock, but he’s an absolute moron.”
Secretary of State, Dominic Raab, said on his own Twitter feed, “possibly people are getting this Cummings character mixed up with me? My name is also Dominic, but I’ve never been to Durham. Especially as it doesn’t exist. And my surname is Raab, rhymes with scab.”
Meanwhile, Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi Sunak, said:
“People often get confused between reality and fiction, bless them. Many people, for example, think Sherlock Holmes was a real person. Even the entire population of Nottingham is convinced Robin Hood really took from the rich and gave to the poor.”
“Luckily for the general public, the government is here to define precisely what is and isn’t real. And, I might add that taking from the rich and giving to the poor certainly isn’t.”
When asked if Prime Minister, Boris Johnson is real, given that he is more of a memory than a presence, Sunak said, “Boris is reality. The sooner you people learn that the better off we’ll all be.”