UK Public to Vote in New Referendum – Should Boris be Strung up by Balls or Neck?

The British public will be asked to vote in a new referendum when lock down ends. The results of the national poll will determine whether we should string Boris Johnson up by his balls or by his neck for his government’s disastrous mishandling of the Coronavirus crisis.

The referendum will help UK watchdogs required to investigate the Tory party’s catastrophic bungling of the crisis when the ‘dust settles’. Henry Rochforth of the National Audit and Review Office said:

“It’s not so much a question of where to look for evidence, but where to start. We’re going to need a lot of extra staff and that’s just to sift through Johnson’s personal gaffs.”

Boris Johnson – ‘a Churchillian statesman during this time of national crisis’

The seeds of the government’s failure to protect citizens from the rampant Covid-19 pandemic were sowed long before the current Coronavirus outbreak in a litany of disastrous policies stretching back ten years.

A decade of unprecedented austerity measures have left the NHS and local authorities in ‘no fit state’ to handle the crisis.

Systematic fragmentation of vital services under the Health and Social Care Services over a protracted period also led directly to dangerous delays and widespread disorganisation.

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There is also the government’s failure to take action in response to the results of Exercise Cygnus four years ago, which highlighted critical underlying issues in the health service and revealed the country was perilously unprepared for a pandemic.

Political analyst and journalist, Liane Porter took a deep breath before commenting on why she thinks the government have so badly mismanaged the crisis.

“Apart from all the stupefying screw-ups over PPE; sending infected elderly back to care homes to spread the virus and die; failing across the board to supply adequate testing; pissing millions of pounds down the drain on tests that don’t work; failing to join the EU ventilator scheme; calling a desperate last-minute bid to find ventilators ‘operation Last Gasp’; relying on 100 year old war veterans to raise money to replace those millions; wasting crucial time at the start of the outbreak pretending everything was okay; flip flopping over the extent of lock down; failing to communicate the necessities of lock down to police and local authorities; throwing the self-employed under the bus; throwing renters under the bus; failing to send adequate PPE to our hospitals and clinics; lying about that; lying about tests; lying about death rates; lying about infection rates; banning media outlets from press briefings; banning MPs from interviews with media outlets that ask difficult questions; easing lock down too soon; confusing the public with nonsensical World War II slogans about staying alert; deferring the onus of organising school reopenings to headmasters, teachers, unions and local authorities; lying about care home deaths; lying about pretty much everything they’ve done, said and messed up in the previous eight weeks… oh, and attempting to impose an increased annual surcharge on vital NHS and care staff… apart from all that…”

Wiping sweat from her brow, Porter went on, “apart from all that, this government is unequalled in its arrogance and that’s the rub of it. That’s at the core of every horrific fubar we’ve been forced to witness over the past two months.”

The Prime Minister – a bastion of professionalism standing firm in the midst of disaster

“Boris stands at the helm of the good ship Bullshit. His outrageous lies and abject refusal to own up to the truth is, itself, a virus and every one of his cohorts is infected. But they’re okay, because this particular virus causes other people to die.”

“The shocking truth is this: close to fifty thousand people are now dead. Many of them are dead because Boris couldn’t pull his finger out of his arse and do what the British public voted him in to do – lead the country.”

The government have the British public’s best interests at heart

“The least – the very least – Boris can do now is hang his head in shame and resign. Lackeys like Matt Hancock, Michael Gove, Rees-Mogg and Priti Patel should do the same.”

The sentiment was lost on many Tory voters today who still maintain that the government have done their best during a difficult time.

Eleanour Bradbury, a retired business owner from Solihull, said, “it’s like with toddlers when they go to nursery for the first time, pick up a crayon and try to draw a picture.”

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“The picture will be shit, but they’re doing their best, so you pat them on the head and say ‘well done’ and ‘very good’, you don’t say ‘that is one shit picture, what were you thinking?’ Now, I’m not saying the government is effectively a bunch of four year olds attempting to use crayons for the first time, but… well… I forget what I was trying to say. Stay alert?”

John Moffit, a retired taxi driver who regularly writes to the Daily Mail reader’s letters page, said, “now is not the time for politics! Now is the time to focus on what a great job Boris has done in ensuring we have the highest death rate in Europe. The highest! We’re first at last! Take that Brussels!”

Other Tory hardliners have invoked the much-feared name of Jeremy Corbyn in their support of the current government, with Angela Stokes, a retired CEO, saying, “just imagine what things would have been like under Corbyn! We’d all be breaking rocks and queuing up for potatoes while socialists in Nazi uniforms rape our pets and set fire to our fingernails. Just imagine that!”

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