A study into female pregnancy in the UK has found that 75% of British women who claim to be pregnant are merely very constipated.
The study, conducted by the British Institute for Statistical Analysis (BISA), revealed that even though most pregnancies are the result of not having a poo for a week, all usually result in birth.
Sarah Yearhard of the BISA said, “this alarming evidence shows that 75% of children currently raised in British households are actually just annoying little shits that have somehow developed the raw basics of appearing human.”
Yearhard added, “we found that the level of nurturing provided by unwitting parents results in the little cacks taking on human-like sentience.”
The startling data goes some way to explaining why many children in the UK are feral little shits.
Gyles Gateway, a father of four who lives in Surrey, drives a BMW 5 Series and calls his children ‘darling’ even when they’re systematically demolishing the vegetable section at Sainsburys, said:
“I’m quite convinced that all my children are legitimate human beings. Except Tarquin, possibly. I’ve always had my doubts about him. Darling, don’t kick Daddy in the shins like that. You know his rugger injury is playing up.”
Children who suffer bullying at school by children called “Harry” or “Dominic” welcomed the news today, though many were unsurprised to hear that their classmates are not human after all.
Sally Yates, a 10 year old who one day hopes to be a vet, said, “this makes a lot of sense. I always wondered why Aaron and Henry always come to World Book Day dressed as soldiers and spend most of the day whacking the smaller kids around the head with cardboard machine guns.”
The BISA said the data is likely to have little effect on birth-rates, however, stating, “parents don’t really care whether their offspring is human or the product of an impacted bowel.”
“So long as they can spend horrendous sums on the latest Mamas and Papas buggy and fit in with their friends who are ‘all having kids’, they don’t really mind if their spawn comes from the uterus or the large intestine.”