The Tory government attempted to release a four word slogan last week which sowed such widespread confusion and alarm amidst the Tory voting populace that the slogan is now being blamed for triggering a mental health epidemic.
The slogan, “be smart, stay safe” was written on a single line of the government’s new ‘yellow hazard’ template, but the use of four words instead of three merely caused a large swathe of the population to fall over and gibber insensibly on the floor.
Political analyst and speech writer, Terry Yokes, said, “the average Tory voter has a three word maximum limit. Anything more and their brain locks down, creating an infinite bio-feedback loop which can lead to elevated levels of bewilderment.”
The error has been described as ‘monumentally irresponsible’ by medical professionals who are already concerned by an ‘alarming’ increase in national dimness which, they claim, is a direct result of the Tories taking power in 2019.
Doctor Javinder Gharal, who specialises in virology, told the Daily Shunt, “the Tory party isn’t just a government, it’s a virus and large parts of the country are now infected. The illness is easy to spot because sufferers typically have no nose after cutting it off to spite their own face.”
The government immediately retracted the offending slogan, replacing it with ‘Stay Alert’.
A Tory spokesman apologised for the error, saying, “we’ve dropped down to two words to try to reverse some of the damage caused.”
When asked what Stay Alert actually means, the spokesman explained, “it doesn’t mean anything. Our slogans rarely do. They’re what we call ‘magic bullets of rhetoric’ which we fire directly into the brains of idiots in order to make them think we’re on-point and that the country is in capable hands.”
Dominic Cummings, who famously invented the three-word phrase ‘Take Back Control’ today admitted the four word slogan was an oversight, saying, “someone at Number 10 made a critical error and will be getting a good kicking behind the bins at some point this week.”
Cummings, who insists ministers cut off their little finger to show fealty to his supreme command, added, “I realised very early on in my career that the British public has less of an intellectual grasp on politics than your average inflatable air-bed.”
“If you want to get their attention you can do one of two things: either hit them over the head with a brick or use three word slogans and appeal to their inner bigot. Owning 80% of the press really helps.”