New Lock Down Measures to Curb Spread of ‘Idiots’

Scientists have identified a far more infectious strain of the Coronavirus which they call the ‘No Persona Virus’, warning that the new strain has led to hugely elevated levels of national fuckwittery.

The new virus, which causes otherwise normal people to turn into selfish, unthinking knob-tards has been spreading like wildfire through the population, leading to calls for new measures to combat the outbreak.

Symptoms include:

  • Immediately driving to the Lake District as soon as lock-down measures are eased.
  • Thinking 2 metres is 30 centimetres.
  • Wearing a facemask over the mouth, not the nose.
  • Downloading Tik Tok.
  • Rambling on about 5G towers.
  • Obsessing about Bill Gates.
  • Citing Youtube videos as ‘proof’.
  • Calling people ‘sheeple’ and urging them to ‘wake up’.
  • Posting to Tik Tok.

A new SAGE meeting is expected to be held this week in in which scientists will attempt to understand the nature of the new outbreak.

John Hutchins, a 28 year old van driver from Bristol who was diagnosed with ‘being the human equivalent of pork scratchings’ this week, said, “I knew something was up when I started behaving like an utter gobshite and wondering if the flat Earth theory was true.”

The new virus has caused a dramatic rise in the number of British citizens ‘not batting with a full wicket’

Doctor Glynn Lock, an expert in virology, explained, “the new strain is even more virulent than C19, but it’s hard to pin down because the symptoms vary from person to person.”

“Some people will just feel a sudden need to vote Tory, while others will blame the Coronavirus crisis on everything from the family who run the Chinese restaurant down the road to a secret global cabal. They will not, however, be able to spell cabal.”

Lock went on to say, “this has led to increased levels of dumb-assery, cockwombling and douchebaggery.”

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“Unfortunately, while we can at least hope for a vaccine for C19, getting infected with having the same level of intellect as a potato wedge cannot be treated. The only cure is to round up all the infected and throw them in the sea.”

The government today called for calm but admitted that most of the Cabinet had been infected by the new virus, including the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson.

A Number 10 spokesman said, “Boris has been displaying elevated levels of dumb-fuckery for a while now, so he’s gone into quarantine again. Of course, when I say ‘into quarantine’, I mean ‘on holiday’.”

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