The British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, revealed today that he thinks he may be psychic after he heard millions of voices insulting him on Sunday evening as his televised speech was broadcast to the nation.
Johnson told The Sun (the only paper he feels confident enough to talk to these days), “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly yelled out ‘you bloody idiot’ all at once.”
Carrie Symonds, Johnson’s latest muse and mother to his most recent offspring, said she didn’t think she heard any voices but was yelling at Boris’s face on her TV at the time so couldn’t be sure.
Dominic Cummings, puppet master, uber-intellectual and all round pretentious prick, said that he also sensed something during the PM’s speech, but then revealed he’s been hearing voices in his head since he was an angsty teenager battling with sexual confusion, so could neither support nor deny the Prime Minister’s claim.
Cummings did, however, immediately take to his online blog to write a 5000 word essay on the subject in which he quoted Keates, Chaucer and Graham Greene while simultaneously referring to himself as ‘the giant upon whose shoulders others may only deign to stand’.
Johnson, who many believe has been mentally unstable since birth, insisted that he would use his new psychic powers for good, assuring the public that he would definitely not turn into some kind of supervillain but, if anything, would be the hero we all need right now.
With the majority of political commentators already of the opinion that Johnson has advanced further than any previous Prime Minister into the role of supervillain, the statement was met with cynicism.
Political analyst Greg Shoe said, “Boris has been painting himself as the superhero of the hour since this crisis first began. Since he emerged from his brush with death, which, let’s be honest, most of us hoped would at least humble him a little, he’s merely amped up the sense that here before us stands a new messiah, risen from the grave to lead his people out of lock down.”
“The stark differences between Jesus Christ, the Lord and Saviour of biblical fame, and Boris Johnson, the Etonian duffer with a silly haircut, are self evident. The most notable, of course, being that Jesus loved people and Boris thinks people are only there to generate cash for big business.”
The British public response to the befuddled ‘Stay Alert’ revision to the previous month’s ‘Stay at Home’ slogan was almost universally one of derision and confusion yesterday. But Shoe suggested this was merely a result of disparity between what the people need and what the government want.
“Cummings and Johnson are still pushing for herd immunity. This end to lock down by degrees is designed to ensure intensive care units are not overwhelmed, but there’s no real effort here to save lives, only spread death over a wider surface like butter on a particularly sinister piece of toast.”
“Phase one of Wave two will be workers forced back to the office, the tube and the streets of Britain where they can’t escape social interaction; stupid people who sunbathe in London parks and all the innocent people who subsequently come into contact with both these sectors of society.”
“Phase two will be back-to-school, as early as June 1st, which will send kids into the lion’s jaw, putting both them, teachers, parents (and grandparents probably) at greater risk.”
In a chilling final statement Shoe added, “I’m reminded of that scene at the end of the Hunger Games when the crowd of children look up to see hundreds of little bombs floating down on parachutes. A gift from their own supposed saviour. We can only despair.”