Forest Gump’s mum, who famously said “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get” has been proven disastrously wrong by scientists working for the National Institute of Biology who say her claim is undemonstrable and untrue.
Professor John Foxbridge of the NIoB said today, “after extensive research we can conclusively say that life is not like a box of chocolates. Not even close.”
“A box of chocolates is a cardboard carton of confections while life is a characteristic that distinguishes a set of biological signalling and self-sustaining processes.”
The Institute also found that the suggestion ‘you never know what you’re gonna get’ is falsifiable as most boxes of chocolates come with a little card explaining the contents of each confection.
Foxbridge said, “chocolate manufacturers are required by law to include a list of ingredients on the box, a matter Forest Gump’s mum has overlooked in her hypothesis.”
The British Organisation of Philosophical Scholars (BOPS) warned against dismissing the abstract potential for Forest Gump’s mum’s claim, however, saying that a box of chocolates may not be a particularly accurate representation of life but is a good metaphor for dating.
Angela Crow, head of the institute said in a statement released today:
“you start out feeling excited at the possibilities and pretty pictures, experience a variety of increasingly dismal disappointments when you discover the pictures were lies and then your options run out and you’re stuck with the ones nobody wanted.”
“Finally you give up, but it’s all over by then anyway and time to close the lid.”
Crow, whose Tinder profile describes her as ‘great fun at parties’, went on to say that if anything represented life it would be a box of empty despair filled with worms of hopelessness and the rotting offal of missed opportunity.
Almighty God, who is rumoured to be the brains behind the concept of life, today said that the National Institute of Biology was closest with its summation of what life is, but missed the mark on saying what life is like.
“Life is just like, this thing, you know,” God told reporters today. “I just, sort of, thought it up for a laugh. It has boxes of chocolates in it, if that helps.”
“Other than that I can’t tell you much more, other than try to be kind to platypusses. I really fucked it up with the platypusses.”