The new NHS App touted by Tory MP Matt Hancock as the best way to save the British public from the Coronavirus pandemic, is being tested on residents of the Isle of Wight. But the population of the island have universally rejected the app as ‘the work of Beelzebub’.
The test App, which was rolled out on the island today, triggered an unexpected backlash when residents of the small island off the coast of Britain took to the streets with pitchforks, set fire to a number of trees and attempted to drown some witches.
Grand Druid of the island, Jim Bob Saggary III, said, “we made a wicker man out of all the smart phones and we’ll be putting some witches in it later and setting it alight then having an orgy under the full moon.”
Several goats were immediately put to the slaughter in a ritual sacrifice which locals believe will ward off the devil.
“The government gave us all these black witchcraft devices,” local resident Duane Saggary said, holding up a Huawei P20 Pro, “and inside them was hellish imps speaking in tongues. We don’t hold with none of this kind of thing here on the Island of Wights.”
A government spokesman said today, “the test on the Isle of Wight hasn’t gone quite as well as we’d hoped. A relatively small number of residents were a bit overwhelmed by the new technology, but it’s not surprising as the island only had red telephone boxes installed in 2019.”
Matt Hancock was quick to play down the event, saying, “the trial is important because in a couple of weeks everyone in the country will need to download this app in order to support the NHS and protect lives.”
When asked about potential privacy issues associated with the app Hancock told the Daily Shunt to ‘watch their tone’ then added:
“None of the extensive information we harvest using the app will be used to amass a vast database of personal details which we’ll then sell onto the highest bidder for a tidy profit. You can trust me. I’m Matt Hancock.”
The app remains controversial, with many saying the move is merely a gimmick designed to avoid a more costly onus of providing countrywide tests.
With the Coronavirus death toll per million in Britain rapidly approaching that of the worst in Europe and possibly even the world, the Tory government are coming under greater pressure to explain its shortcomings.
Hancock explained, “none of that is true, whatever it is you just said. Remember that Boris is ok and he’s had a nice baby. That’s what really matters.”