Disney to Acquire Saw Movie Franchise

Walt Disney Pictures are rumoured to be in the process of acquiring rights to the Saw movie franchise which they hope to turn into a musical trilogy.

After branching out from princesses and happy endings to the Star Wars and Marvel franchises, Disney has reportedly decided to dabble in extreme torture-porn horror by buying up rights to Saw.

A Disney insider says the rumours are true. “We intend to make a few changes to the format. The new series of Saw films will be musicals. We already have Ariana Grande lined up to play the role of Jigsaw and Taylor Swift will play Shawnee Smith, Jigsaw’s demented sidekick.”

Disney are expected to do away with the jaw mangler and replace it with ‘nice feelings’

The new movies are said to be in the planning stages, with Disney yet to decide how they will inject the established formula with a new lease of life.

Joe Crainbridge, a movie critic on Rotten Tomatoes, said, “expect a glut of horror movie fans saying Disney will ruin everything just like we saw with Star Wars.”

“But the truth is that, even though the new Star Wars movies are largely a pile of steaming shit, Disney reinvigorated the franchise with new ideas, new characters and lots of ladies in leading roles. They also made a lot of money, which is the main thing.”

Test audiences watching the Disney Star Wars movies prior to public release

“The decision to cast teen idol, Ariana Grande, as Jigsaw will no doubt upset a lot of people. And Disney’s choice of Mike Tyson to play Lt Mark Hoffman, a role previously made famous by white actor Costas Mandylor, will probably be slated, but that’s only because movie goers are all racist, misogynistic bigots.”

The Saw series of movies have previously been greeted by a mixture of contempt and applause. Detractors say they glorify gore and violence while fans say the movies present a depth of story and philosophy unmatched in contemporary horror.

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Disney are thought to be planning to water down the violence and gore and focus more on songs and a feel-good moral to the story ending. Our Disney insider said:

“The movies will show everyone that they can be whoever they want to be in this topsy turvy world and that true love wins out in the end if you can only find the right handsome prince.”

Horror movie fan and critic, Jed ‘Skullface’ Broker said of the rumours, “if Disney fuck with Saw I will personally put every single executive on the board in a locked jaw mangler, make them swallow the key and give them a rusty blade and three minutes to figure out where they went wrong.”

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