People Who Drop Bread Butter Side Down Told, ‘Apply Butter After, Not Before’

A government quango think-tank made headline news today after tackling the age-old problem of dropping a slice of buttered bread only for it to land butter side down.

After working on the problem for six years, the National Office of Metaphysical Conundrums, advised anyone who thinks they might drop their bread on the floor to apply butter after the incident and not before.

Bread preparing to fall butter side down yesterday

The groundbreaking news, which pushed reports of the massive UK death toll from Coronavirus to page, 6, 10 or in some cases tucked in under the crossword on the back page, was hailed by newspapers as ‘a step in the right direction and just in the nick of time’.

Felicity Kendall, an actress who often drops her bread butter side down, said, “this changes everything. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve fumbled my toast only to smear the lino with oozing butter which I then step in and slip, breaking my hip and/or femur.”

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Other celebrities were quick to join in praise for the state-of-the-art advice.

Kim Kardashian who became famous by having a large bottom said today, “I’m always throwing my crumpet around, especially when making sex tapes or otherwise trying to get some media attention. From now on I will go to extraordinary lengths to butter my crumpet after, not before.”

George Clooney, director of the Star Wars franchise, said, “it makes sense when you think about it. Does the same rule apply to Marmite do you know?”

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