The British Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has been cleared of all allegations of bullying by friends, colleagues and well wishers in the government.
The Home Secretary was accused of bullying staff in several Whitehall departments, purportedly reducing some employees to tears while others took leaves of absence citing stress and a general ‘atmosphere of tension’.
But a secret, behind-closed-doors, internal inquiry into the allegations, undertaken by Cabinet Secretary, Sir Mark Sedwill, exonerated Patel of all wrong doing because she’s the Home Secretary.
Insiders say Patel celebrated by giving all her staff a wedgie and a Chinese burn.
She then ‘swaggered’ through Westminster, knocked piles of books out of ‘nerds’ hands then tripped them up in the lunch room, causing them to fall over and drop their tray of food so that everyone pointed and laughed.
Sir Philip Rutnam, former permanent secretary at the Home Office, triggered formal legal proceedings last week after he accused Ms Patel of bullying and wrongful dismissal.
However, the internal review found “no evidence” of misconduct (although insiders say Sedwill didn’t look very hard and instead spent most of his time selling pot behind the bike sheds).
A government spokesman today welcomed the news, saying, “Priti is very happy with the results and has treated herself to a day of putting drawing pins on Labour MP’s chairs and hanging Keir Starmer off a coat hook in the girl’s toilets.”
Patel herself released a statement saying, “I never done owt wrong an’ dis proves da haterz are lyin’ bitchez. Dat geek Philip ‘Rat Face’ Rutnam ain’t got nuffin on me. I wanna also say fanks to Seddy Sedwill for doin’ a bang up job on da internal inquiry. He’s a good lad.”
Despite being unconditionally cleared by her colleagues of all charges, Ms Patel – who has increasingly been seen walking through the halls of Whitehall in the company of Crabbe and Goyle, chewing gum and smoking cigarettes despite being asked not to by the Speaker of the House (who she calls Stinky Face Fowler) – will now face an actual ‘non-pretend’ inquiry in the form of a legal tribunal.
Political analyst and nerdlinger Howard Beach said, “how she wriggles out of that one remains to be seen.”
“I ain’t worried,” Patel told the press as she blew a big pink bubble-gum bubble and smirked, “Rat Face Rutnam’s da one what should be worried. It gets very dark at night round where ‘e lives. Be a terrible shame if ‘e didn’t watch where ‘e was goin’ and tripped over an’ broke bofe his arms an’ legs.”