Pubs Closest to Downing Street to Open First When Lock Down Eases, Says PM

The Prime Minister returned to work today and announced that ‘pubs closest to Number 10 Downing Street will open first when the lock down eases’ as Downing Street is now thought to be further ahead on the infection curve than anywhere else in Britain.

A Tory insider said, “it’s a bold move and we’re all bloody grateful. I’ve been gasping for a decent pint or six of King Lear at lunchtime and, though my wife makes an adequate bangers and mash, you can’t beat a pub lunch and getting pissed when you’re supposed to be at work.”

The PM is said to be looking forward to a plate of ketchup and chips with extra ketchup

Johnson claims the opening of pubs ‘within walking distance of Number 10’ will be vital to the health and security of the nation as he must remain close enough to Downing Street for any sudden Cobra meetings and also can’t be expected to sit in a stuffy office all day.

“I had the run of the garden at Chequers,” he said in a written press statement, “and I’m jolly well buggered if I’ll be cooped up at Number 10 now I’m immune to the Rona.”

The Prime Minister was today smuggled into his office inside a fridge to avoid reporters lurking outside Number 10. He remained inside the fridge, working through a two week backlog of paperwork, until fellow MPs could confirm the press were gone.

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