Tory voters up and down the country today held ritual sacrifices and performed sacred ceremonies of thanks as they received news that their golden haired lord and saviour, Prime Minister Boris Johnson, will be returning to work on Monday.
Ceremonial celebrations included burning an effigy of Jeremy Corbyn on Hampstead Heath and throwing blue passports at foreigners.
Johnson has been deified by Tory voters since he rose from the dead after contracting the Coronavirus. After resting at the holy shrine of Chequers, he is now said to be well enough to ‘take back control’ of the Conservative government.
Alan Trote, a high priest of the cult of Johnson, welcomed the news as he slaughtered a pig, three chickens and a non-bendy-banana in a traditional Sunday ‘ceremony of thanksgiving’, saying:
“Our prayers have been answered. The great one has returned! Finally we will see an end to this dread plague which has threatened our land, just as the EU once threatened our sovereignty and right to be rude to black people.”
“Only the chosen one can restore health and vitality to the farrow fields of this once doughty kingdom.”
Detractors and blasphemers of the government’s handling of the Coronavirus crisis were indifferent, however, saying very little is likely to change now that Boris is back.
The Sunday Times today issued another landmark article criticising the government’s response to the pandemic following its blistering attack on Conservative policy last Sunday – a litany of accusations which prompted an unprecedented government rebuttal last week.
Many of the salient points made by the Times were ignored in the rebuttal, however, which one critic called a ‘Kremlin-esque’ twisting of words.
The article stands alone in a sea of press silence as other newspapers and media outlets shy away from ‘rocking the boat’ or spoiling relations with the leading Tory party.
Piers Morgan, who has been described as ‘Judas’ by the congregation of Johnson and many of his disciples in the cabinet, appears to be the only other media force defying government lines, though he received a negative reaction when the cult mobilised last week to denounce his attempt to find the truth.
Angela Swift, a chaplain of the Johnson fraternity, burned several Labour heathens today in honour of the ‘Great One’s Return’, and said:
“Morgan has crossed over to the dark side, but that is his concern. I have no doubt he will suffer an affliction of boils and a pestilence of frogs at some point. In the meantime the government have made 2000 complaints to Ofcom so we’ll see what that brings.”
“Anyway, this is not the time for sacrilege. Boris has done this country proud and, lo, he doth now return to us, the lion resurrected to save his lambs from the sickness.”
Priti Patel, high Priestess of the Church of the Clown, described Johnson’s return as ‘a blessing from on high,” saying, “with my help, Boris has reduced the crime rate in recent months by 21%! Pollution levels are down, families are coming together and everyone is getting a healthy daily dose of exercise.”
“This is unprecedented under any government and proof positive that Boris truly is the messiah.”