The Coronavirus has not only changed the world but also the way we speak!
A whole new collection of words, phrases and terms have sprung up in the last two months and we’ve put together a list of the best. We’ve even provided some contextual examples so you can drop them into everyday conversation and become the hippest frood on your block.
The ‘Coronageddon’, in which the world comes to a grinding halt and nothing is ever the same again.
“Now that the coronapocalypse is here and you’re stuck at home all day, Geoff, do you think you could mow the lawn?”
A play on the word quarantine, originating from the use of an ear of corn emoji in front of ‘teen’ as a shortened way of saying quarantine in texts and online.
“We’s all in cornteen now Jethro. You can’t be goin’ out sellin’ yer pasties in public.”
The act of talking to friends and family about the fact that you can no longer talk to friends and family during the Coronapocalypse.
“Eustace, isn’t it just dreadful that the only way we can now speak to one another is through an iPad screen?”
“It is, mother, but to be honest I only visit you and father twice a year, so ironically we’re seeing more of each other than before.”
“Eustace, dear, what have I told you about being ironic. You know I can’t abide it. Let mummy have her Coronavent, there’s a good boy.”
The act of failing to observe basic social distancing guidelines (see also Covidiot).
“There was an antisocial nearing lady in the queue at the pharmacy who edged closer every time the queue moved until I’m pretty sure I could smell the Rona on her breath.”
“I say, do you two think you could have your public ‘haven’t seen you since lock down began’ coronavent somewhere else?”
“I appreciate you’re observing social distancing rules, but your static positions and the somewhat restricted space in this Sainsburys aisle means I must use antisocial nearing to push my trolley between the pair of you.”
Somebody who contracts the Coronavirus twice, typically applied when somebody mistakes flu or a common cold for Covid 19 then contracts the actual virus at a later date.
“Sorry Graham, I can’t attend today’s video link as I have the Ronas again.”
“You had the Ronas last month didn’t you?”
“No. I think that was just a hangover. This time I’ve got Covid 38.”
The insensible state of being both exhausted and in high anxiety as a result of culture shock caused by the Coronavirus lock down.
“Listen Karen, I know I should be using this opportunity to decorate the house, tidy the garden, read a book, learn a new skill and start Yoga, but I have Coronabrain and, as a result, I am instead getting up at midday, going to bed at 3am, drinking Speckled Hen for breakfast and am generally incapable of any coherent thought lasting more than three seconds.”
The sexual act during lock down, reserved to the priveleged few.
“My dearest Tarquin, thankyou for your recent missive. I am sorry to hear that you, your wife and five children are having a tumultuous time during lock down juggling work from home, educating the kids and not killing one another over the slightest little thing.”
“I am very well, thankyou for asking. As it is just me and Tanya in the flat we’ve been having endless Coronalingus and making much use of the numerous sex toys we purchased recently from Uberkinky. All the best, Jeremy.”
Related to the previous entry, the world is due to see a baby boom following the end of lockdown as couples forced into each others company through self-isolation indulge in the sexual act.
“I’d love to go again Phillipa, but I’m afraid my one eyed trouser snake is wilting like a tulip in October and, besides, if you want to have a Coronababy I need to refill the pump. I’m afraid the well is dry – I’m ejaculating dust and cobwebs at this point.”
Someone who refuses to believe the Coronavirus is real, or simply fails to adhere to basic social distancing rules. See also, Antisocial Nearing.
“Derek isn’t staying at home, he isn’t observing social distancing guidelines and he told me the other day he thinks the Coronavirus was caused by 5G towers. He’s a proper Covidiot.”
The act of obsessively scrolling through social media to see the latest dire news and opinions on the Coronavirus crisis.
“I hate doom scrolling, Sandra. I liked it better when the internet was just about cats and porn.”
The act of dumping a partner during lock down because in many cases, ‘absence doesn’t make the heart grow stronger’.
“I’m sorry Dominic but I’m zumping you. I know now that I don’t need a man in my life to make me miserable. I can do that all by myself.”
Coronic/Coroned/Having the Ronas
To contract the Coronavirus.
“Where’s Steve, I thought he was coming in on this Zoom call?”
“No, he’s Coronic mate. He’s got the Ronas. I think he got Coroned last week when he went to Lidl and some Covidiot coughed on him.”
‘Curtain twitchers’ and general busy bodies who race to report anyone they think isn’t complying 100% with lock down measures, aka shaming them publicly for not doing enough (in the eyes of the shamer). The Pestapo are also active on social media where their victims are likely to be named and a full list of their infractions provided.
“Alf! That couple from number 6 are out walking the dog! I know for an absolute fact they already took their daily exercise today. What’s more, there’s a new car parked outside number 14, which means somebody in this street is having a visitor. Get the YouGov website online, I’m reporting the fuckers.”
The growing list of hot spots where it is possible to contract the Coronavirus.
“I had a hell of a time getting your Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, Bex. There was a veritable Coronacopia of perilous hazards in Aldi today. If I don’t go down with the Rona it’ll be a bloody miracle.”
A paradox related specifically to the Ronas and usually resulting from mangled and confusing government guidelines.
“Hey, Karen, if I wash my hands then turn off the tap, surely I’m just going to get the virus off the tap because I turned it on before I washed my hands?!”
“Yes Kevin, you’re right. That’s a real Coronadox. Try turning the tap off with your teeth instead.”
Monduary The Thirty Ninth of Janumarch
A nonsense date used to indicate a lack of temporal awarness caused by continuous and monotonous lock down (akin to an effect experienced during Christmas holidays).
“I think the next episode of Better Call Saul is due out any day now. What day is it anyway?”
“It’s Monduary the thirty ninth of Janumarch I think. Some time between yesterday and tomorrow.”
People who panic buy toilet paper during a pandemic.
“Waitrose were all sold out of their quilted own-brand again Thora, I’m afraid all the Coronawipers have cleared the shelves, so I had to buy the cheap tracing paper shit from Aldi again.”
The name given to human society post C19 pandemic.
“World leaders, we have gathered here today at this global summit to discuss changing the name of our planet from Earth to The Coronaverse. All in favour say aye.”