Heads of state across the world have voiced their concerns that the American nuclear launch codes have access to Donald Trump following today’s revelation that Trump is batshit insane.
Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau said at a press briefing, “it concerns me that the launch codes could use Donald Trump at any moment, unleashing him upon the world. Canada is America’s closest neighbour and Trump could easily reach our cities if he was fitted to a fairly low-powered missile.”
Germany’s President, Frank-Walter Steinmeier added his voice to those calling for some kind of protocol which would prevent the nuclear launch codes firing Donald Trump at other countries.
“The Americans have long range missiles capable of reaching Europe. If Trump was attached to one of these missiles, the nuclear launch codes could easily fire him into our midst and there’d be very little we could do.”
The concerns of world leaders comes amid mounting calls for Trump to be put on a NASA space shuttle and fired into the sun.
Scientist and NASA engineer, Phil Gateman, said the process would be costly but worth the initial investment. “My only worry in this plan is the potential effect Trump might have on the sun.”
“Anyone else would be instantly vapourised, but the President is now covered in so many layers of fake tan that he would probably be protected from even the most ferocious heat. And also, he seems impervious to the normal laws of physics. How else can you explain the fact that he exists?”
“A viable alternative might be to fire Trump into deep space, but there’s no guarantee he wouldn’t wind up on an alien planet somewhere and completely fuck everything up there too.”
Japan’s Prime Minister – Shinzō Abe, stated today that the atomic threat is no longer the greatest menace to world peace, saying:
“Trump now represents the ultimate deterrent. The US President could easily be smuggled via briefcase into a major metropolitan area then detonated. The resulting devastation would be unimaginable.”
Meanwhile, Russia is believed to be forging ahead with plans to develop their own Trump deterrent by cloning Trump using leaked scientific data from American laboratories and flakes of luminous orange skin collected at a Trump rally.
Shinzō Abe appealed to Russia to discontinue its efforts to match the US in a new arms race. “We could be seeing the beginnings of a new Cold War,” he warned, “one that is based on utter stupidity and Twitter messages instead of atomic holocaust.”
