Flat Earthers Fear 2m Social Distancing Could Push Some People Over the Edge

Derek Fish, founder of The Global Society of Flat Earthers, released a statement today saying he fears social distancing could lead to ‘psychological issues’.

Fish, who claims the world is a flat disc and not a sphere, as scientists, astronomers, astrophysicists and astronauts have been insisting for centuries, said that two metre social distancing and self-isolation could ‘push some people over the edge’.

“Being alone and forced to avoid other people does strange things to the human brain,” Fish said after explaining that the world is covered by a huge dome-like ceiling called The Firmament and that the sun and moon revolve around the inside of this dome like ‘tennis balls in a bowl’.

Derek Fish, who many claim is a mad man

“People can become delusional and start believing any old nonsense,” Fish went on. “It’s not healthy and the GSFE are calling out governments across the globe to pay more attention to peoples’ mental well being during this difficult time.

Others joined Fish in calling for an appraisal of the psychological effects of lock-down.

Jim Lowell, a conspiracy theorist who lives alone in a mobile home on top of a mountain in Arkansas from where he broadcasts a daily radio show about the dangers of 5G microwaves, said, “I can see a lot of people going a bit nuts as they stay at home all day.”

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Lowell called for governments, whom he believes are largely reptilian shape shifters disguised by ‘human skin suits’, to do more to address mental health issues.

Jane Madison, a member of a neo-Christian group who believe the rapture will take place any day now, said, “it’s very easy to lose touch with reality when you’re isolated from society.”

Jane Madison – concerned people might lose touch with reality

Rick Horner, a born again Odinist and wizard who lives alone in a yurt in Cornwall, added his voice to those warning that self-isolation could lead to an increase in mental illness.

“If you study the runes and cast the right spells, you can clearly see that some people will find it very difficult to self-isolate. The government – who technically don’t exist, just like Australia – should think more about psychological health and less about using smart technology to monitor people’s buying habits through their fridges.”

Percival Zepheros, the founder of ‘Citizens of Kalesh’, a group of people who believe they are the descendants of an alien race responsible for the civilisation of ancient Sumer, joined Derek Fish in demanding a closer look at how the Coronavirus pandemic might have knock-on psychological effects for many people.

Percival Zepheros, aka Fourteenth Grand Vizigog of Kalesh

“Nibiru will enter the solar system in 2342 causing earthquakes, tsunamis, a global polar shift and the detonation of every nuclear bomb on the planet. The moon will fall out of the sky and the seas will boil and evaporate (after the tsunamis obviously).”

“The people of Earth need to have all their wits about them during this upheaval, so it’s crucial we don’t see a worldwide rise in mental health problems before then.”

Craig Broadbent, editor at the Daily Shunt, said, “the headline was amusing but I can’t believe you managed to crank out a full fourteen paragraphs. No, no, we’ll run it all the same. Nobody will read it anyway – frankly you’ll be lucky if the headline gets more than one laugh emoji. Just turn off comments for fuck’s sake.”

11 comments

  1. Most entertaining thing I’ve read in a long time. I know someone who is a flat earther and 5G/coronavirus conspiracist. The very existence of his views frequently winds me up. I’ll send him this as a wind up. 😃

    Like

  2. Jane Maddison, shown in the article, appears to be wearing a colander on her head. This is the acccepted religious headwear of (us at) the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
    Known as Pastafarians, don’t you think we’re worth shielding from this blasphemy?
    Otherwise, well done for exposing all those other nut jobs.

    Like

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