The current Coronavirus crisis is pretty awful, but keep your chin up because it could be worse!
Here are ten ways the Covid apocalypse might have been a lot worse…
10 You Might be on Fire While Being Eaten by a Shark
The global economy is in a downward spiral, world leaders are so incompetent it seems very unlikely there’ll be much of a world to go back to after lock-down ends and as we wait for the planet to turn to shit, we can’t go outside our homes or have physical contact with another human being.
But imagine if you were on fire right now in the middle of the sea being eaten by a Great White shark!
Puts it in perspective doesn’t it?
9 The Floor Might Literally be Lava
The Coronavirus would pale into insignificance if the floor was lava and the only way to get from A to B was to clamber from one piece of furniture to the next.
Furniture would probably catch fire anyway, and then you’d catch fire. So you’d be on fire.
Probably sharks might have evolved to live in the lava, so you’d be on fire and if you slipped you’d be even more on fire and eaten by sharks.
8 Alien Shark People Might be Attacking the Planet at the Same Time
Imagine having the Ronas and being zapped by crazed alien shark people from another world at the same time.
Evidence strongly suggests that the weapons used by such cosmic invaders would invariably be some kind of heat ray which sets you on fire.
Suddenly, spending the next 3 months trapped in a house with your family doesn’t seem quite so bad.
7 All the Nuclear Bombs Might Have Accidentally Gone Off
Nobody knows quite how many nuclear devices now exist in the world, but it’s a very high number.
Now imagine a scenario where all those bombs detonate by accident, setting off a chain reaction in which everyone on Earth catches fire and sharks immediately mutate in the resulting radioactive fallout.
Just imagine yourself running around, burning away, and there are sharks with legs chasing you with axes.
6 Poo Might be the Only Food You Can Eat
Poo is generally very unpopular and probably the last thing you want to order at a restaurant, but what if, on top of the current Coronavirus threat, food didn’t exist and we were only able to somehow survive by consuming our own body waste?
I know what you’re thinking – where do catching fire and sharks come into this?
The answer is simple. With so much manure in our systems our digestive tracts would become miniature fertilizer factories and, just like the average compost heap, a home made incendiary device just waiting to go off.
Sharks would likely feature at some point, particularly if you were unlucky enough to fall off a cliff into the sea or take a voyage on a boat that sank in shark-infested waters.
Suddenly stocking up on toilet roll doesn’t seem like such a pressing concern.
5 Sharks Might Spread the Coronavirus Through Fire
Picture a world in which sharks are microscopic particles that enter the blood stream, set fire to your veins and then consume and burn you up from the inside out.
After all, if a simple microbe like Covid 19 can do this, why not sharks?
As we face the biggest health and economic crisis since World War II we’d be forgiven, perhaps, for thinking things couldn’t really get any worse.
But then you remember sharks are out there, swimming around and very much a real threat. And you can’t avoid sharks by self-isolating or maintaining social distance.
Sharks don’t breathe fire (thank goodness) but the ocean is one of the great unexplored wildernesses of our planet and in the unfathomable depths of underwater trenches and caves who can say what might exist. Fire breathing sharks are almost inevitable when you look at it like that.
As if fire breathing sharks were not terrifying enough, what if the entire world was just one huge fireball? Catching C19 suddenly becomes a best-case scenario in such an environment.
2 Health Professionals Are Sharks on Fire
The entire world being one huge fireball might seem a little far-fetched, but doctors and nurses masquerading as humans when they are actually sharks on fire in disguise is a very plausible threat.
Just envisage a situation in which the only person you can rely on to save you from the common health concerns associated with Coronavirus are really burning sharks pretending to be concerned doctors or nurses.
In such a world even Boris Johnson wouldn’t be praising the staff at the hospital where he was treated for their kindness and professionalism. He’d be screaming as the flesh falls off his burning body and sharks gobble up his bones.
1 Priti Patel Might be the Prime Minister
We saved the worst for last and for good reason. Nothing could possibly be more horrific.
By contrast most of us would happily live in a burning, shark infested fireball blown apart by the simultaneous detonation of every nuclear weapon in existence while alien shark people invade and shoot us with heat-rays and the Coronavirus cheese-grates our lungs.
We have much to be thankful for because things really could be a lot worse.
Stay home and stay safe!