Coronapocalypse: Too Soon to Turn Your Car Into a Mad Max Death Machine?

With the Coronapocalypse unfolding at a steady pace, we ask, when is the best time to convert your family motor into a Mad-Max style end of days man-mangler?

According to popular magazine and website, Autotrader UK, it’s never too soon.

Reviewer and editor John Stubbs of Autotrader says, “now is the best time to start modding your Peugeot 2008 or Volkswagen Golf.”

“Turn that pedestrian car once suited to a nice family outing to the Lake District into a serious set of armageddon wheels for outrunning cannibal mutants and mowing down crazed Corona-apes (a deformed and hideous creature born from radioactive sludge lakes).”

How the world is likely to look a few weeks from now

Stubbs advises to focus first on colour when making the gear change from responsible citizen of the road to reckless survivor on a road to nowhere.

“You don’t want to be seen to be safe in this day and age, so go for muddy colours with a matt finish. Gunmetal grey, dull brown and swamp green are your friends.”

“Garnish your murder-cruiser with skulls, severed limbs and swastikas. Also, you can never have too many spoilers.”

Advertisements

Lifestyle magazine, Woman’s Weekly, recently voiced their support for souped up death trolleys. Writer Gladys Melborne says,

“move a few engine parts, including tubes and pipes, to the outside of the junker for that post-apocalypse finish. Don’t worry if these parts serve no purpose. The important thing is to look badass as you gun the engine and leave your enemies in the dust.”

The kind of alterations you should expect to make to your Renault Clio

Melborne goes on to say, “tip a bottle of Famous Grouse into the petrol tank to make plumes of black smoke chug from the back of your death machine.”

“This will also ensure the hunk of shit breaks down at dramatic moments, forcing you to apply makeshift mechanical fixes when the mutants are almost upon you.”

According to popular literary magazine, Reader’s Digest, the most important thing you’ll need on your dystopian rig is some form of weapon.

Reader’s Digest writer Karl Fenwick says, “readers should bear in mind that in the UK this is super tricky as guns are largely illegal without the proper permits. Even then the pigs tend to frown on chassis-mounted weaponry.”

“To sidestep this restriction I advise stocking your end-level-event car with things you can throw out of the window at any chasing mutants or giant Covid Arachnids.”

“Rotten eggs, balloons filled with paint and eukuleles all make excellent alternatives to heavy machine guns and grenades.”

A Skoda Scala with a few simple add-ons

Chief Inspector Roy Hale of Scotland Yard’s traffic division also advised against adding lethal fixtures to family saloons, saying, “we won’t tolerate hub caps furnished with revolving spikes, but toothpicks make for an acceptable substitute.”

“Stick them on with blu-tac to prevent them flying off when you’re racing at breakneck speed across the scorched earth.”

Advertisements

Finally, no Mad Maxian slaughter wagon is complete without a driver who looks the part.

“Think leather and lots of it,” fashion magazine, Elle suggests. “Leather jackets, chaps, straps and harnesses all make for that authentic devil-may-care born survivor look.”

So grease yourself down and prepare to ride to the Thunderdome just as soon as lock down restrictions are eased. In the meantime, stay home, stay safe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s