Shock Claim PM and Cummings Played ‘Russian Roulette’ in Hospital

Reports are emerging that Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his political adviser Dominic Cummings played several rounds of the deadly game, Russian Roulette, while being treated for the Coronavirus in hospital.

A health worker who leaked the news said, “Johnson and Cummings have been getting together because they’re both on the same ward.”

The health worker said that, at first, the meetings were convivial and focused mainly on smoking spliffs and laughing at nurses, but then Cummings pulled out a revolver and suggested the pair have a quick few rounds of the lethal game.

The movie The Deer Hunter which portrayed Russian Roulette as a metaphor for self destruction

At one point Matt Hancock is believed to have visited the two and joined in the killer game in which one bullet is placed in the chamber of an otherwise empty revolver; players then take it in turns to spin the chamber and squeeze the trigger while aiming the gun at their own head.

Johnson almost immediately shot himself in the head, inflicting a near mortal injury on himself. Cummings fumbled the gun and shot himself in the foot, while Hancock fired the weapon and merely suffered a mild graze which he recovered from six days later.

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Alan Calping, an English lecturer at Edinburgh University and a specialist in metaphors and similes, said, “the Prime Minister was playing not only with his own life, but the lives of hundreds of thousands who might hear about this game of Russian Roulette and try it for themselves.”

“As a result of this idiocy, the PM is now in intensive care and Cummings has gone into hiding at a time when we need firm leadership, not a government willing to play childish and reckless games with peoples’ lives.”

The Prime Minister ‘shooting metaphorical blanks’ at the city of London

A police spokesman, who called the game of Russian Roulette ‘disturbing’ said, “the weapon used in the game, A Colt Covid 19, is freely available to any citizen of the UK and doesn’t require prior approval or any kind of license. Anyone can get one and wander around shooting people and there’s pretty much nothing the police can do except advise the murderer to stay at home.”

Nurses and doctors at the hospital where Johnson was being treated condemned the dangerous game, but told reporters they had strongly advised against it even before the PM and his friends started playing.

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Doctor Kavannagh, a health adviser for the government, told a prominent newspaper today, “I told them not to do it. In fact I begged them. I showed them every shred of evidence we have that proves playing Russian Roulette is a bad idea, that people inevitably get killed and nobody wins, but they just ignored me.”

The scandal deepened today as rumours emerged that, even while nurses and doctors were attempting to treat the Prime Minister’s near-fatal wound, he put their lives in danger by ripping off their Personal Protective Equipment.

Roulette, a metaphor for metaphors about roulette

“He’s a beligerent bastard,” one male nurse complained. “Even as he praised me for helping him he was trying to kick me in the nuts. Then he nicked my wallet and spent the little cash I have on champagne.”

The Sun, Daily Mail, News of the World and Daily Telegraph all celebrated the Prime Minister’s recovery from the gunshot wound today, hailing him a hero of the people who selflessly shot himself in the head, failed to recognise the inherent dangers of discharging a firearm in a busy hospital and set a dreadful example for people too stupid to realise Russian Roulette is a terrible game to play.

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Readers of all four newspapers joined in the celebrations by insisting nobody talk about anything other than the fact that Johnson is better.

Bill Stokes, a shaven headed builder from Salisbury whose hobbies include hating his wife and racism, said, “now is not the time to be talkin’ about who was or wasn’t holdin’ the gun. It’s typical lefty point scorin’. Good old Boris did his best to pull the trigger on an empty chamber. What we need to focus on is getting the football back on telly.”

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