Government Calls for ‘Wrong Sort of Millionaires’ to Take Wage Cut

Matt Hancock, the British Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, used the platform of a crucial address to the nation yesterday to claim that the wrong sort of millionaire needs to take a 30% wage cut during the Coronavirus crisis.

Focusing on footballers, who clearly fall into the category of ‘not being financiers, big city businessmen, members of the royal family or wealth Members of Parliament’, Hancock said, “Given the sacrifices that many people are making, I think the first thing that Premier League footballers can do is make a contribution, take a pay cut and play their part.’

Many footballers already donate a large proportion of their earnings to charity and local community projects

A Number 10 insider said, “the government are focusing mainly on the wrong sort of millionaire, those who don’t have any intellectual talent, only physical talent.”

“You can’t expect the clever minded CEO of a major airline, for example, who contributes a whopping donation to the Conservative party and sends boxes of cigars to Boris Johnson’s office, to take a wage cut.”

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“In fact, we’re giving those ‘right sort’ of millionaires extra money and asking them if they wouldn’t mind possibly considering not laying off hundreds of workers.”

“Most of them are ignoring us of course, but that’s not really important in this time of self-sacrifice. Those workers should be happy that they can make a contribution to the national cause by losing their jobs, homes and ability to stay alive. Remember those nurses and doctors who are dying!”

Matt Hancock – really doesn’t want the public to dwell too much on what the government are doing right now

When asked if Mister Hancock was merely shifting the blame for the unfolding crisis from the government – who many critics say have fudged their response to the pandemic so badly that they are now directly responsible for hundreds, perhaps thousands of deaths – the accusation was refuted.

“You must understand,” our Westminster insider said, “from the very start we’ve been doing our utmost during this unprecedented national disaster to wriggle out of any and all accountability.”

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“It’s been extremely difficult to balance mitigation with actually doing something about the virus. Mostly we’ve focused on mitigation, deflection, lying and no small amount of toadying. We’re fairly sure the virus will take care of itself.”

The attack on footballers came after a closer inspection of the government’s proposed 80% payment for worker’s wages turned out to be an 80% underwriting of high interest business loans for companies, merely with recommendations to spend the loan capital on paying the wages of workers.

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Financial expert, Tom Bodinar explained, “by underwriting these loans, the government don’t actually need to pay anything but still get to word it as if they are. If a business defaults, it will most likely do so after the crisis is over when the emergency underwriting covenants time out.”

“What we’re seeing, unfortunately, is banks imposing massive interest rates in the hope that companies will default during the crisis, ensuring public funds pay the debt instead of all that messy asset stripping.”

“This is very very evil, so it’s in the government’s interests to shift the focus to footballers and members of the public who ignore the lock-down.”

Drinking during lockdown has been found to be much more fun than worrying about politics.

Bodinar went on, “it’s the same with this headline grabber about wiping out billions in NHS debt. This money isn’t owed by the NHS, it’s owed by the government. They’re essentially ripping up a bunch of big money IOUs they’ve written to themselves.”

“None of this is real money in any sense of the word, just moving numbers around on a page. If you want to see where the real money isn’t, it isn’t paying for adequate PPE or a much needed rise in nurse’s wages. But you won’t hear Hancock talk about that in his daily ego-trip to the nation.”

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