With the streets crawling with truncheon-wielding coppers and the skies buzzing with drones intent on shaming those who dare to walk their dog for five minutes longer than they should, we’ve chosen ten cool places where you can self-isolate without worrying about ‘The Man’.
10 A Termite Mound
So far as we know, the Coronavirus doesn’t affect termites, making them the perfect companions during this global lockdown.
A few caveats: termites are not naturally compatible with human beings, so you may want to ease yourself into this one. Make your introductions and bring Monopoly. Nobody, even termites, likes to be bored during self-isolation.
9 Kate Winslet’s Bed
What better place to spend three weeks away from civilisation than in Kate Winslet’s bed, romping with the star of Titanic and that one about going on holiday which nobody really watched.
Be sure to get Kate Winslet’s consent on this one, otherwise the old bill will be visiting you for a variety of reasons, the least of which will be your outrageous decision to go outside your own house.
8 The Centre of the Earth
We’re no experts, but we do know the centre of the Earth is full of strange flying creatures, dinosaurs and man-eating plants. So it might pay to take a packed lunch if you’re planning to self-isolate under the crust of the planet.
One thing is for sure, the Metropolitan police do not have jurisdiction at the Earth’s core, making this one place where you’ll be free to walk the dog without fear of ‘falling down the stairs’.
7 The USS Enterprise
Why not join Captain Kirk and friends and explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilisations and boldly go where no one has gone before and where the Coronavirus hasn’t spread yet.
Do what Kirk always does; what he has to do – turn death into a fighting chance to live and take the Federation message to unexplored worlds beyond the edge of the galaxy. Remember to take your towel.
6 Area 51
Not high on the list, simply because it can be tricky to gain access, Area 51 is the ideal self-isolation location because the aliens responsible for the Coronavirus outbreak already possess an antidote and might share it if you turn up with a bottle of Lambrini.
With the Rothschilds, Rockefellers and a rogues gallery of former US presidents as neighbours you’ll be snug as a bug in a rug in one of Dreamland’s many bunkers while the Coronavirus does its part and eliminates the surplus population.
5 A High Altitude Weather Balloon
Those magnificent men in their flying machines didn’t have the Coronavirus to contend with, but you do, so why not lift off from planet Earth and spend the next few months chillaxing in the stratosphere.
Don’t worry about removing yourself from society, you can take vital weather readings while you’re up there and do your bit. As an added bonus, Sainsburys and Dominos Pizzas both now deliver to heights up to, but not exceeding, 80,000ft.
You can’t be sent where you already are. Self isolate in prison and get free meals, a free bed, a roof over your head and first place in the Accident & Emergency queue for zero payout.
Given the current police state, which can only end with us doing morning exercises with comrade Joe Wick in front of our plasmas before venturing out to our desk jobs for the Ministry of Truth, we’ll all end up here anyway before long, so why not cut out the middle man and go ‘straight to jail, do not collect £200’?
3 In a World of Your Own
Basking in the sunshine on a sun-drenched beach, fighting crime on the streets of Megacity One, who cares. It’s your world, you tell us where you’d be.
As you rock back and forth in lonely isolation, clutching teddy to your naked breast and muttering quietly to yourself, why not project your imagination to a far away land and find your ‘safe space’.
2 Under the Bed
Even the old bill never look under the bed. That’s where the bogeyman lives!
Every household has a bed and every household has a ready prepared under-the-bed purpose built for hiding out during a nuclear apocalypse, home-invasion or pandemic.
Reserve some space for a baseball bat and chainsaw. You never know when this whole Covid 19 thing will turn into your classic zombie apocalypse scenario.
1 That Island Tom Hanks Was Marooned On
No, we’re not talking about Australia. We mean Monuriki, one of the Mamanuca Islands in Fiji, a subgroup of the Mamanuca archipelago, which is sited off the coast of Viti Levu, Fiji’s largest island.
Although this is now a tourist attraction, thanks largely to Hanks etal, there won’t be anyone there now and we’re 99% certain the British filth don’t even know the island exists.
Take your own volleyball called Wilson and go crazy (literally!) The island has everything you need to subsist, though you will probably eventually starve to death as food is scarce and the elements can be brutal. We think you’ll be fine provided you take a decent stock of booze.