Police to Play Coldplay on Loudspeakers to Keep People Indoors

All patrol cars will be fitted with loudspeakers playing Coldplay’s Greatest Hits in an effort to keep people indoors, The UK Metropolitan police announced today.

As some members of the British public continue to ignore a countrywide lock-down and venture outside for non-essential reasons, the police have been looking for cost-effective ways to discourage such people from leaving their homes.

“I have absolutely no doubt this will work,” Police Commissioner Cressida Dick said in a statement today, “our only worry is that the measure will prove too brutal.”

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Other options the police have considered this week include hitting people ‘very hard indeed’ with truncheons, using pepper-spray to disperse groups of two or more and water cannons filled with sulphuric acid.

Cressida went on, “we may still fall back on these softer options but I do feel the time has come to send a firm message to the British public. Everyone must stay inside. If you don’t, we’ll put ‘Every Teardrop is a Waterfall’ on continuous loop.”

Cressida Dick, “blood eagling the public will send the wrong message”

A government spokesman denounced the measures as ‘medieval’, saying “I’d personally hoped the police might go with something more humane, like public hangings or genital mutilation. Playing ‘A Rush of Blood to the Head’ at people just for walking the dog seems hideously barbaric.”

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Chief Medical Officer, Chris Whitty, also voiced concerns, saying, “mental health is important at a time like this. Playing ‘Yellow’ at people could push them over the edge and increase pressure on an already stretched NHS. I’d rather the police used less ruthless methods, like tying people to a horse and dragging them through the streets, or putting a tyre around their neck and setting it on fire.”

Chris Martin, lead singer for Coldplay, who recently lost his rag at a charity gig when he screamed abuse at autograph hunting fans and babbled nonsensically about being gay, is yet to comment on the move to weaponise his music, though he did tell a New Music Express reporter this week, “I shagged Gwyneth Paltrow you know.”

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