‘Coronavirus Must Lead to Better World’ Banks Say as They Charge 30% Interest on Business Loans

Banks and financial leaders today led the call for positive change in the aftermath of the Coronavirus outbreak, saying the world must take a better road forward for the benefit of all humankind.

The calls for a better way of living came as banks implemented the government’s proposed Coronavirus package (intended to save small, medium and large businesses from going bankrupt) by introducing staggering 30% interest rates on emergency loans.

Royal Bank of Scotland CEO Henry Uppington-Smythe said, “for now, we’ll be coming down hard on any companies who default on these loans, stripping their assets then selling them off at inflated rates in order to make a whopping profit. Then, later on, we’ll work on creating a better society.”

Conservative Chancellor Rishi Sunak, a former employee of Goldman Sachs, who sold hedge funds during the financial crisis, applauded the news that banks are leading the way in calling for a better world. Last week he announced measures to save British firms, saying:

“The interventions I am setting out today will help support businesses of all sizes – so they can continue operating during these unprecedented times. You will be able to walk into your bank on Monday and secure a loan which will see you through these difficult times.”

Banks are calling for a better world as soon as they are a bit richer

Business owners who attempted to walk into their banks the following Monday found that many branches were closed and phone lines were jammed. It then turned out that the government were merely underwriting loans, not providing the money to secure these loans directly.

Instead the banks have been left to dictate the terms of the loans, with many setting breath-taking interest rates and imposing repayment targets which most struggling businesses will be unable to meet.

“We will soon emerge like a butterfly from its chrysalis to see a new world, like a golden path paved with flowers and fey creatures dancing amidst buttercup meadows,” CEO of Lloyds/TSB Richard Fotherington-Tessmarker said today, “until then, we’ll naturally be stripping the assets of the projected 75% businesses that default on their loan.”

“But don’t worry, as the loans are underwritten by the government we’ll be able to dip into public funds to cover any money we don’t get back from the business assets, business owners’ homes and their vehicles. We won’t be out of pocket in the slightest thanks to Mister Sunak, bless his heart.”

Fotherington-Tessmarker went on, “The 80% stipulation gives us banks a big incentive to understate the value of seized assets. The best way to ensure assets are undervalued is to drive bankruptcies as soon as possible, before the economy starts recovering. It’s a scandal by any other name, but nobody will know because Coronavirus dominates the headlines. Horrible really. But none of this sort of thing will happen when the pandemic is over and a better world emerges from the shattered ruins of the old.”

A visual metaphor for our current society which banks insist must change

Financial expert, Keith Gill, said, “this state backed asset stripping frenzy is inspired by the 2008 banking crisis, during which the Royal Bank of Scotland Global Restructuring Group used public funds to strip the assets of thousands of British firms.”

“It’s no coincidence Sunak worked for Goldman Sachs in 2008. He was on the frontline, selling illegal hedge funds and tearing apart British industries. He’s quite used to capitalising on a crisis. It’s literally his remit. Why do you think Johnson gave him the job as soon as he knew all this was coming?”

As Britain continues to struggle in the face of the worsening Coronavirus crisis, other big banks joined their voices to those calling for a better world after the dust settles.

Natwest CEO Lloyd Framptom-Cotterell III said, “there must be change as a result of this disaster. We can’t go back to the old ways. In the meantime, we will continue foreclosing on missed mortgage repayments and seizing properties within a very short space of time in order to make the most out of depreciating values.”

Rishi Sunak – the press were so surprised to hear a Tory minister string a coherent sentence together they failed to notice the details of his proposed ‘business rescue package’

Frampton-Cotterell added, “it’s very nice of the government to underwrite all this with public money. In an ideal world that money would be distributed as a universal living grant ensuring nobody fell into dire straits during this unprecedented period. But it’s not an ideal world, which is why we banks are calling for change.”

The British public, largely ignorant of the big bank and financial institution gold-rush going on under their noses, continues, in the meantime, to suffer horribly during the viral pandemic. Those who don’t die or lose loved ones are likely to face job losses, financial ruin and homelessness.

According to Fotherington-Tessmarker this is the price that must be paid for change. “It’s like back in 2008 when we all made shit loads of money while the average bloke in the street suffered. You can’t expect the banks to be the catalyst, we’re just doing what market forces dictate. It’s up to Joe Schmuck to bite down on the pain. Nirvana ain’t gonna build itself.”

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