UK Government Warns, Keith Lemon Could Persist Until the Summer

The UK government today issued the stark warning that Keith Lemon will probably persist for another five months and his effects could even linger until 2021.

The warning comes as the British people, already beset by a Coronavirus lock-down and economic woes, prepare to turn increasingly to their televisions to break the boredom.

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A spokesman for the government today said, “we are working around the clock for a solution, but Keith Lemon isn’t someone you can just eradicate overnight. We have our best advisers working on the problem.”

Keith Lemon is the fictional alter ego of stand-up comedian, Leigh Francis who first found fame with his TV show Bo Selecta in 2004. Francis formed a variety of friendships with high profile celebrities during filming and subsequently used contacts like Davina McCall and Rylan Clark-Neal to keep himself in the spotlight for a further sixteen years.

Rylan Clark-Neal, meanwhile, is expected to persist indefinitely

Lemon has since made numerous appearances on British television in shows such as ‘Shopping With Keith Lemon, Keith Lemon – Coming in America and the Keith Lemon Sketch Show. At the same time he’s been a recurring face in tacky adverts and a deeply irritating voice on the radio.

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“He’s very much like that crusty bit of dried on food you can never quite scrape off the baking dish, no matter how much you wash it, or that bit of poo that always clings on no matter how much you wipe and wipe and wipe,” Francis’s casting agent Nancy McBridle told the Daily Shunt.

“Whatever project lands on my desk there’s always that niggling question at the back of my mind. Could Keith Lemon do it? I hate myself for thinking like that, I truly do, but my only other client is Billy Smith from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and I have a gambling addiction to support.”

Cases of Davina McCall, by comparison, have fallen drastically in recent years

The government warning left many Britons wondering why steps were not taken earlier to reduce Keith Lemon exposure. John Madley, a self-confessed fan of Bo Selecta, commented,

“He’s been on the TV since 2002 for Chrissake. It’s not like Boris and chums haven’t had enough time to address the issue. I mean, I thought Bo Selecta was very funny. When the bear’s tail popped up and it did a sex wee and embarrassed all those celebrities, that was brilliant. Not to mention the Michael Jackson and Craig David parodies which were very sharp. But Bo Selecta was sixteen years ago and Francis has now become exactly the kind of deeply revolting celebrity he used to parody!”

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The government have responded to the glut of online criticism, claiming Keith Lemon has only recently become insidious and unfunny. The response raised a Twitter storm yesterday, with one user tweeting, “the government have had the better part of a decade to get this irritating little twat off our screens and they’ve done nothing. It’s a national disgrace and quite possibly a scandal too.”

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