New Study Finds ‘Lots of Alcohol’ May Ease Stress of Self-Isolation

A privately funded study by scientists working for the National Physics Institute has found that alcohol eases the stresses and strains of self-isolation.

The study was published today by four scientists who were, until recently, working within the Institute but have been working from home in self-isolation since the government introduced a country-wide lock-down on Monday.

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Professor Gail Sprouse, who led the study, revealed, “this study was all about science. God I love science. Do you love science? Awwww. Why don’t you love science. It’s like, the study of all the stuff and things, right? Don’t worry about it though. Nobody could love science more than I love science so I’m not surprised you don’t love science as much as I love science.”

Professor Gail Sprouse led the groundbreaking study

Prouse’s understudy, Maurice Marvi, explained the process behind the study, “first you start off… you start off… you have your hyposersith… your hypothersis… your hypothesis. Then you… then you… then you do the scientific methods and… then… THEN… you test the results. That’s right, you test them. Hehehe.”

The paper, which received widespread peer approval on Friday night, was described as “bloody fucking amazing actually,” by Professor Matthias Kirby OBE, who has been self-isolating since 23rd March.

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Of the study’s lead scientist, Kirby said “I really love Gail Sprouse. She’s like… she’s like someone who you can really really know very well, you know, but then not know them, but still love them like a sister, or a girlfriend, NO, a sister. You know? You know. Yeah, you know alright.”

Prof. Matthias Kirby OBE

Kirby went on to say, “hang on. I’ll text her. Stay there. I’ll text her. She’ll like this. She’ll laugh about this. Fucking phone. Hang on. Pass me… pass me that… that… book. That book there. I’ll… oh she’ll love this… she’ll think this is so funny. Ah fuck it. Phone’s out of charge. Fucking useless fucking gobshite phone fuck.”

The contents of the study reveal that being at home, isolated from friends and family, fearing a ubiquitous virus which, if contracted, could threaten both life and livelihood, is very challenging and that copious amounts of alcohol may alleviate the stress.

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In the paper’s conclusion, Professor Prouse wrote:

“It is the conclusion of this yahdeeyahdeeyah blah blah blah. Pfffffff. Sorry. It is the conclusion of this study that farts are funny. I’m a Henry Hephalump la la la. Willies and bums, willies and bums, everyone knows how to do their sums. Ahhhhhhhh shit. Shit shit shitty shit shittums shitwallops shizzle-fitz shatrick and the crew of the starshit Enterprise. Enter pies. Eat all the pies. Shitty shitty bang bang. God I love gin.”

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