UK Government Vows to Fight Coronavirus With ‘Bullshit’

The British government today ramped up its response to the ongoing Coronavirus crisis by promising to increase its daily bullshit output.

The Conservative leadership, which has come under increasing criticism from both supporters in its own party and those on the left, kicked off the new strategy yesterday by announcing that the death rate in England on Wednesday was slower than it was on Tuesday – an abject lie.

Boris Johnson stands accused of dithering and gambling with the lives of millions

Political analyst Joe Ellis responded, saying, “this is an indication that the government has finally found its feet in this crisis. It now understands precisely how badly it has ‘ballsed’ everything up to the extent that outright lies are the only way forward. It has kick started that classic Tory stratagem, deny, lie and romanticise.”

Ellis went on to explain, “the newly released figures, which appear to substantiate a government claim that the death rate is slowing, merely reflects the fact that the government have changed the criteria for reporting Coronavirus deaths.”

“First, yesterday’s figures didn’t cover 24 hours (as Tuesday’s figures did). Second, the government have decided, for reasons known only to them, that they will not add those cases for which they don’t have permission from the family, despite the data being entirely anonymous and crucial to our understanding how and where this epidemic is unfolding.”

Jeremy Hunt – usually a Tory jerk – was shocked when the PM chose to ignore expert advice in the emerging days of the crisis

Others pointed out that deaths would only be recorded if they were confirmed with a test. However, the government has failed to roll out mandatory tests and is still mired in a debate about the accuracy of those tests that do exist.

“Thus a large percentage of deaths are conveniently slipping under the radar,” Ellis said.

Continuing with their tactic of blinding the British public with an endless stream of bullshit, the government announced that it had already carried out 97,000 Coronavirus tests which it claimed was the highest level in Europe. Another abject lie.

Confusing government guidelines resulted in a lack of clarity, with large numbers of the public ignoring social distancing over the weekend

Ellis said, “while many accepted this claim as gospel, not even particularly close examination reveals the truth. Germany and Italy already rolled out twice as many tests and that was a week ago!”

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The British government have come under attack from home and abroad for dragging their feet over the viral pandemic, initially announcing a ‘herd immunity’ plan which experts claim would have resulted in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of British citizens.

After flip-flopping on this plan, Prime Minister Boris Johnson then implemented a succession of confusing, contradictory and vague guidelines which left the vast majority of the public unsure how best to act.

“Britain was officially put on something which sort of resembles lock-down but which isn’t officially lock-down,” political columnist Brian Greene explained, “people are to stay at home, unless they don’t need to. This is a complete, one hundred and eighty degree turn around compared with advice of just two weeks ago when Boris was still proud of the fact he was continuing to shake hands with everyone he met.”

Matt Hancock has struggled to keep a straight face during press briefings, presumably amused by the amount of bullshit coming out of his own mouth

“News that the government intends to obfuscate the picture further by approaching this deadly situation as if it were just another political round to be won should be deeply alarming to everyone who lives in this country and values their life or the lives of those they care about, regardless of political affiliations or loyalties.”

“The Conservatives are gambling with people’s health the same way they gambled with Brexit. They fed the public a river of lies to ‘get Brexit done’ and they intend to do the exact same thing with the Coronavirus, except you can’t ‘get Coronavirus done’ by throwing shit at the wall in the hope that some of it might stick.”

“People are dying.”

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Meanwhile, as NHS frontline workers, including vital nurses, doctors and hospital workers up and down the country lament a lack of PPE (Personal Protective Equipment), MP Matt Hancock continued to brazenly insist millions of boxes containing PPE supplies were dispatched at the start of the week, even taking the trouble to personally carry a few boxes himself into a distribution centre. As news cameras rolled, Hancock huffed and puffed importantly as he hefted the two or three boxes from the back of a delivery van into a huge warehouse.

One of the newsmen present during this propaganda routine described the event as “a very commendable personal effort which ended abruptly as soon as the cameras were switched off and Hancock realised he could go home.”

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